originally posted on Cafe Philosoffee 2007-05-10
with original title:
BARTENDER... ONE MORE PLEASE... hick!
I've been wanting to write, and still waiting for the inspiration to put everything that has happened in a novel-like flow... but that time may never come.
I've always realised the fact that every blog (or blogger for that matter) has an exhibitionistic characteristic to it, for if it has not, why blog? And every blog reader is a voyeur... for if not, why bother?
Anyway, I've stopped writing for months before deciding to start again. And for that past 4 months when my previous blog was stagnant, never did I receive any comments or even anybody asking about my silence. The moment I closed that blog up, I've got hit more than all the time I was active writing put together... I guess that's just normal.
So I've been inviting very little people in when I first started. The reason, ... was because I thought I was going to write something like this... to tell the story that everyone has been wanting to hear... but too afraid to ask...
I've been telling the same story in multiple angles, hopefully to suit each person that hears it... but more often than not, the story telling session will either end up in a heated series of accuses and defense, or will be ended prematurely without any real closure. Anyway, I've come to accept the deal that these things or stories (or excuses if you may) are not meant to please anyone, not meant to be understood by everyone and most certainly not a desperate plea for a pat on the back...
Now that I've started this entry with such a sulky and sour mood, you can imagine how much worse my year has started. It all began... wait... the whole cascade of events did not start at the beginning of the year but much much earlier.
Being in a long-distance-relationship surely has taxed the both of us in many ways, emotionally especially, through lack of proximity and day-to-day connection...
. . .
Having written, erased, re-written and re-erased lines after lines in attempt to explain the factors leading to the break-up, I've come to a frustrating defeat, and decided that I will only say this about the break-up...
Have you ever been in a room-full of people, but still feel like you're alone in the room?
It has been a few years since we first met. We have known each other for a good number of months before deciding to go out together, and I have to admit that those were the best times of my life. Everything was in place: relationship, church, ministry, friends... and it started to go downhill when work sent me across the state.
Long story cut short, we were slowly disconnected by the distance. A few attempts were made to reconcile the negative air... and the worst one - I admit whole-heartedly - was to get engaged.
Many would club me on the head for this sheer stupidity - but stupid is as stupid does - I have no logical explanation to this, other than I was really hopeful, and really desperate to make it work. But later reflections brought me to realise that I've put too much of my own work in this. And real relationship has to be much more than make-belief.
The break-up was not an easy out of the situation. I remember a saying quoted to me by a teacher, she said; don't make your way deeper into the buffalo horn. Originally quoted in Taiwanese mandarin, which I took in as a completely foreign language (I don't even understand the local mandarin well). Basically it means don't get yourself into a narrowing path.
After much discernment - or rather rediscernment - I gathered enough of my own balls to bring up the issue and confront it face to face. Some postulated that it could be just cold-feet - a rather common reaction towards marriage... but I think not. I don't think I am afraid of being tied down by commitment to family life, or to give all-to-one, till death do us part... Anyway, I'll refrain from explaining the matter more, as I've mentioned before. The lonely-in-full-room phenomena. That's all there is to it. Though we've been together for years, I still feel that there's a void - an insuppressible need to be understood, to know and to connect on a deeper level.
One friend mentioned that it could be just the void that only God can fill. That only Jesus would do. Yea, but if that's the case no one will ever know Eros. Politically correct to say that only God can fill up a vacuum, but I think this vacuum is human-shaped for the God-shaped vacuum has been occupied long time ago, Hallelujah!
One more thing to say: over-spiritualising is not good - because God is bigger that the size of our heads - and every time I think I knoweth, I knoweth not much more.
The whole incident has cost me much more than I was ready to lose - not to mention the financial compensation that I thought only applies to native Sabahans... oh well, the last thing I want is to be called "kurang ajar" for not complying with this sad custom. I've heard worse though, that for the Suluks, when a man comes to propose to a lady with the dowry ready, for the lady to decline the proposal, she has to pay back double the amount of money they guy brought in... and many of them were forced into marriage. These cases are common issues when they come in for counseling in the clinic.
My circle of friends has shrunk considerably too. People often favour - or choose to think that the ladies are always the victim in cases like this - and this is a form of subtle gender-discrimination and stereotyping - that we all are very gung-ho to fight against - but often let it pass under our own noses unnoticed. Anyway, I do admit that the whole situation has put many of our common friends in tight corners, and I did not want to make anything more difficult than it already was, so I let things be - hoping that some would at least try to understand my situation and probably able to accept me back into their circle. But this kind of waiting bears bitter fruits, as months past by without anyone calling to ask how I am doing, not even the people I trust the most in the ministry.
The mind is free to generate all sorts of ideas when one is in desolation. The one that fumed me the most was the feeling that all my effort during the days of Leadership Training went down the pipe. It may be unfair to relate it this way, but not even my best leader-friends bothered to call-up, or drop an sms to ask how if I am okay... I may be too wishful about this, but weren't we talking about watching each others' back, and looking for that one lost sheep? Well, this one sheep isn't gonna write postcards...
To divert my negativities that accumulated from this event, I started doing the thing Roddy does best - drowning myself with activities and work. Well, about work, you can leave work (like go on-leave) but work will not leave you (when people call you on the Cell to ask things) Anyway, I got myself busy - and for some time it works to numb my depression - but problem came at night when I was free to think and assume all sorts of stuff.
*Vic and other psychiatrists reading this: no worries - no suicidal thoughts what-so-ever!
My love for the Ministry has prevented me from going in to explain myself during the earlier days. Submitting to my Obi Wan (I have a few) I should not return to the ministry at its current state - shaky and in desperate need of a steadfast leader at that time - I had to take an involuntary-leave-of-absence because my presence could potentially be hazardous to it. Watching from afar has not been my greatest strength, so I decided to turn around and hope for a better time to return.
The hardest slap was when a programme in the ministry - the annual camp - of which I was very much involved during its initial set-up - and of which I have put so much of myself in to see it come through - was organised this year without me knowing anything about it at all - and the worst was that I actually heard about it when a young-ciku member asked whether I would like to 'attend' this event! A big blow to my pride, yes, for my middle name is still pride... but I felt like saying "Boy, I DO this camp, I don't attend it..." Anyway, God bless that poor boy for being so nice.
I thought that being absent from the ministry was a personal decision and somewhat voluntary to a certain degree -- but now I feel shunt...
Having my circle of friends purified to a few gems - I wrote this in my last entry for O'er a Cuppa Cafe - meant to say thanks for those that really stood by me during my most difficult times - friend that spent a whole morning during his short-trip back to hear me out, who understood my story long before I'm done telling it, whose friendship I have no fear of losing despite my screwed up biography, friend who came all the way to my little place by the sea, planned an impossible birthday party, got drunk over coffee and philosophy.. and gone nuts with - literally, friend who attended that impossible birthday party (hehe) who's been around keeping me in check, friend who wrote to comfort and offer herself, whom I believe understands despite not knowing much, who bleeds to my predicaments, friend who has been on the other side of the telephone, having to hear me vent - and sometimes yelling things that I would be ashamed to reproduce in writings...
But most of all, even though to the least of their knowledge, I've been leaning a lot on my family, my parents whom I know are worried sick, and especially on my siblings - to be around through the times when I needed the comfort of people I love the most.
The past months surely have been trying - and having survived it - I know I will rise up - for what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger... What do I expect to learn from all these?
...Wisdom.
with original title:
BARTENDER... ONE MORE PLEASE... hick!
I've been wanting to write, and still waiting for the inspiration to put everything that has happened in a novel-like flow... but that time may never come.
I've always realised the fact that every blog (or blogger for that matter) has an exhibitionistic characteristic to it, for if it has not, why blog? And every blog reader is a voyeur... for if not, why bother?
Anyway, I've stopped writing for months before deciding to start again. And for that past 4 months when my previous blog was stagnant, never did I receive any comments or even anybody asking about my silence. The moment I closed that blog up, I've got hit more than all the time I was active writing put together... I guess that's just normal.
So I've been inviting very little people in when I first started. The reason, ... was because I thought I was going to write something like this... to tell the story that everyone has been wanting to hear... but too afraid to ask...
I've been telling the same story in multiple angles, hopefully to suit each person that hears it... but more often than not, the story telling session will either end up in a heated series of accuses and defense, or will be ended prematurely without any real closure. Anyway, I've come to accept the deal that these things or stories (or excuses if you may) are not meant to please anyone, not meant to be understood by everyone and most certainly not a desperate plea for a pat on the back...
Now that I've started this entry with such a sulky and sour mood, you can imagine how much worse my year has started. It all began... wait... the whole cascade of events did not start at the beginning of the year but much much earlier.
Being in a long-distance-relationship surely has taxed the both of us in many ways, emotionally especially, through lack of proximity and day-to-day connection...
. . .
Having written, erased, re-written and re-erased lines after lines in attempt to explain the factors leading to the break-up, I've come to a frustrating defeat, and decided that I will only say this about the break-up...
Have you ever been in a room-full of people, but still feel like you're alone in the room?
It has been a few years since we first met. We have known each other for a good number of months before deciding to go out together, and I have to admit that those were the best times of my life. Everything was in place: relationship, church, ministry, friends... and it started to go downhill when work sent me across the state.
Long story cut short, we were slowly disconnected by the distance. A few attempts were made to reconcile the negative air... and the worst one - I admit whole-heartedly - was to get engaged.
Many would club me on the head for this sheer stupidity - but stupid is as stupid does - I have no logical explanation to this, other than I was really hopeful, and really desperate to make it work. But later reflections brought me to realise that I've put too much of my own work in this. And real relationship has to be much more than make-belief.
The break-up was not an easy out of the situation. I remember a saying quoted to me by a teacher, she said; don't make your way deeper into the buffalo horn. Originally quoted in Taiwanese mandarin, which I took in as a completely foreign language (I don't even understand the local mandarin well). Basically it means don't get yourself into a narrowing path.
After much discernment - or rather rediscernment - I gathered enough of my own balls to bring up the issue and confront it face to face. Some postulated that it could be just cold-feet - a rather common reaction towards marriage... but I think not. I don't think I am afraid of being tied down by commitment to family life, or to give all-to-one, till death do us part... Anyway, I'll refrain from explaining the matter more, as I've mentioned before. The lonely-in-full-room phenomena. That's all there is to it. Though we've been together for years, I still feel that there's a void - an insuppressible need to be understood, to know and to connect on a deeper level.
One friend mentioned that it could be just the void that only God can fill. That only Jesus would do. Yea, but if that's the case no one will ever know Eros. Politically correct to say that only God can fill up a vacuum, but I think this vacuum is human-shaped for the God-shaped vacuum has been occupied long time ago, Hallelujah!
One more thing to say: over-spiritualising is not good - because God is bigger that the size of our heads - and every time I think I knoweth, I knoweth not much more.
The whole incident has cost me much more than I was ready to lose - not to mention the financial compensation that I thought only applies to native Sabahans... oh well, the last thing I want is to be called "kurang ajar" for not complying with this sad custom. I've heard worse though, that for the Suluks, when a man comes to propose to a lady with the dowry ready, for the lady to decline the proposal, she has to pay back double the amount of money they guy brought in... and many of them were forced into marriage. These cases are common issues when they come in for counseling in the clinic.
My circle of friends has shrunk considerably too. People often favour - or choose to think that the ladies are always the victim in cases like this - and this is a form of subtle gender-discrimination and stereotyping - that we all are very gung-ho to fight against - but often let it pass under our own noses unnoticed. Anyway, I do admit that the whole situation has put many of our common friends in tight corners, and I did not want to make anything more difficult than it already was, so I let things be - hoping that some would at least try to understand my situation and probably able to accept me back into their circle. But this kind of waiting bears bitter fruits, as months past by without anyone calling to ask how I am doing, not even the people I trust the most in the ministry.
The mind is free to generate all sorts of ideas when one is in desolation. The one that fumed me the most was the feeling that all my effort during the days of Leadership Training went down the pipe. It may be unfair to relate it this way, but not even my best leader-friends bothered to call-up, or drop an sms to ask how if I am okay... I may be too wishful about this, but weren't we talking about watching each others' back, and looking for that one lost sheep? Well, this one sheep isn't gonna write postcards...
To divert my negativities that accumulated from this event, I started doing the thing Roddy does best - drowning myself with activities and work. Well, about work, you can leave work (like go on-leave) but work will not leave you (when people call you on the Cell to ask things) Anyway, I got myself busy - and for some time it works to numb my depression - but problem came at night when I was free to think and assume all sorts of stuff.
*Vic and other psychiatrists reading this: no worries - no suicidal thoughts what-so-ever!
My love for the Ministry has prevented me from going in to explain myself during the earlier days. Submitting to my Obi Wan (I have a few) I should not return to the ministry at its current state - shaky and in desperate need of a steadfast leader at that time - I had to take an involuntary-leave-of-absence because my presence could potentially be hazardous to it. Watching from afar has not been my greatest strength, so I decided to turn around and hope for a better time to return.
The hardest slap was when a programme in the ministry - the annual camp - of which I was very much involved during its initial set-up - and of which I have put so much of myself in to see it come through - was organised this year without me knowing anything about it at all - and the worst was that I actually heard about it when a young-ciku member asked whether I would like to 'attend' this event! A big blow to my pride, yes, for my middle name is still pride... but I felt like saying "Boy, I DO this camp, I don't attend it..." Anyway, God bless that poor boy for being so nice.
I thought that being absent from the ministry was a personal decision and somewhat voluntary to a certain degree -- but now I feel shunt...
Having my circle of friends purified to a few gems - I wrote this in my last entry for O'er a Cuppa Cafe - meant to say thanks for those that really stood by me during my most difficult times - friend that spent a whole morning during his short-trip back to hear me out, who understood my story long before I'm done telling it, whose friendship I have no fear of losing despite my screwed up biography, friend who came all the way to my little place by the sea, planned an impossible birthday party, got drunk over coffee and philosophy.. and gone nuts with - literally, friend who attended that impossible birthday party (hehe) who's been around keeping me in check, friend who wrote to comfort and offer herself, whom I believe understands despite not knowing much, who bleeds to my predicaments, friend who has been on the other side of the telephone, having to hear me vent - and sometimes yelling things that I would be ashamed to reproduce in writings...
But most of all, even though to the least of their knowledge, I've been leaning a lot on my family, my parents whom I know are worried sick, and especially on my siblings - to be around through the times when I needed the comfort of people I love the most.
The past months surely have been trying - and having survived it - I know I will rise up - for what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger... What do I expect to learn from all these?
...Wisdom.
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