My Own Happiness Project

My Own Happiness Project
because happiness begins inside and flows out...



the mistresses club

I recently added another one of these to my collection... blame it on impulsive buying but I think Duromine sometimes makes you do things you don't want to do... like buying another camera when you have already a T10, a Canon SLR, an old Canon A400 and a Sony Ericsson phone that also takes pictures.

I blame it on the lure of the H9 that sings like a siren, lulling me to a night of insomnia just thinking about its state of the art technology in a Hybrid Camera that includes 8.1 Megs resolution, 15x optical zoom lens (31-465mm eff) 3.0" LCD with EVF, ISO up to 3200, max 1/4000s shutter speed, Aperture up to 2.7, a free battery, an upgradeable memory stick to 2G and oh... the viewfinder is a tilting one some more.

new mistress

No, I blame it on the Duromine... even the insomnia the night before was caused by Duromine...

flying again...

This week I'm invited to a function in Labuan to give HIV/AIDS input for an awareness function run by the Department of Health in Labuan... I'd say any reason to come to Labuan to stock up on booze is a good excuse to come over, hehe... That and I'm also dying to try out my new H9.

Landing at Labuan International Airport, the plane's shadow cast on the ground...

cute cute cute...

feeding time...


seeing the world in black and white... life pass through us, at a speed we have no control over.

I'll be approaching 30 very soon... And although I have the least concern about looks and wrinkles when it comes to aging, but I kept bombarding my conscience with ideation of legacy and personal significance. It has been almost 3 decades now, what have I done that is truly significant, that changed the world in the very least?

I don't know why I am soooo obsessed by this thought... is this what a person with Messiah Complex will go through when he is detached from ministerial work?

And people say that life begins at 30? I don't know...

for the love of the country...

Since the Government started the National Service Programme in 2003, selected youths all across the country has been concentrated at a number of camps for a period of 3 months. They have to go through a number of modules that targeted development in specific areas including physical fitness, nation building, character building, community service and others. Last year, the Ministry of Health, together with the PM's Office devised another module to be incorporated into the programme... the HIV/AIDS Module for PLKN... and this is where I come into the picture.

The Module is supposed to be run at district level, but since one of the district were not prepared to run it in given time, I volunteered to sit in and see for myself one of these places, dreaded by SPM school leavers all over the country.

I suppose as a security reason, and also probably to avoid conscripts (or Wira & Wirawati as they're addressed in the Camps) from escaping, the camps are usually located in the remotest of places, and for this particular Camp I visited was about 8 km away from the main road passing through jungles and rivers.

As we reached the place, the car can go only as far as the river bank on the other side of the camp, and to go to the other side, we had to use a wobbly suspension bridge, and most definitely not the romantic type portrayed by the song Jambatan Tamparuli.

Posing for a good shot was quite a feat, as the bridge keeps on swinging, even if you try very hard to stay still.

And the greeting on the wall is the first thing we noticed once we entered the camp compound.

Thinking as an adult who did not have to go through this myself, I thought that the programme is actually fun, though I wouldn't like the idea of being confined away for 3 months of my life. The closest thing I had as a youngster tho this was a 4D3N Science Camp in Kundasang.


i like...

I can easily name a few other people who'd also like to sling this around, just because of the word on it...

You know who you are! ;-P

the one about my early education...

Evidence of my early education... my sister went through the junks that re-emerged during our yearly spring cleaning before Chinese New Year and found an English workbook that belonged to me when I was in Standard 6 (that was in 1991!) I got an A! And the date shows that it was my birthday also! What a lovely gift...

But this I don't really understand... for the essay I got Q.Good. What's a Q.Good? Quite Good? Quintessentially Good? Which teacher gives Q.Good as a remark?



the dreaded phonecall...

After a full day trying to rest the killer-butterflies in my stomach, contemplating on the various better ways to die, other than being decapitated by my Director, the morning came when I had to face it...

The morning started normal, letters to open, queries to answer via fax, apparently only 2 person in my whole office read the article that was published yesterday. They were teasing me for being famous now, but that's the last thing I needed to hear actually. Like the calm before a storm, I hated waiting for the Director to call me in to see her.

The storm came finally at 9am, the Director's PA called me to tell that the Boss wants to see me. at that exact moment I saw my life, all the good times I had since childhood and the sweet memories in service, the nice people that I've met, the things undone in life, the people I still wanted to see, the things I still wanted to say, all flashed before me. Putting down the telephone I walked slowly back to my little cubicle, smiling blankly to my colleagues. If they were to remember me at all, remember my smiling face, I thought.

I have to go through a corridor from the lift to the Director's Office. I have been on this corridor many many times before but it never felt that long before yesterday. I guess that must be how those people who are sentenced to death must feel, walking that final stretch corridor before they're put to death.

The "talk" with the Boss was a humbling experience. Humbling because she didn't spare me by hiding her words with subtleties, she went on to remind me that I am a nobody to come out in the newspaper, doing press releases like that. Plus of course the fact that according to a circular in public service, a government servant is not allowed to talk to the press without a prior approval from the director. Okay for that, I am guilty as charged. Just that I've not seen Noves as a representative of the press, but a friend who got some info over coffee in Starbucks.

The Boss also reminds me that if I cannot, or rather "don't like" to follow the rules, I can always quit Govenrnmrent Service. Twice she made that point. And she also gave me the option of joining the private sector, emphasizing that in the private sector, I can say anything I want to the press.

As a whole, I am just glad to not have disclipinary action taken against me for an un-authorised press conference, while the whole day before I was worried sick that she was going to get me to verify some figures and Ministry policies that could have been a bigger scandal, but she overlooked those.

So, yeah, I learned my lesson in this, but at least Nove's happy that her maiden newspaper publication was out...


oh no, i might get screwed for this...

First and foremost, I'd like to thank Noves for wanting to do a write-up on our "night-work" and a little bit on the current situation of HIV infection in the state. It would do much to help create further awareness to the public about the disease and hopefully, will help reduce the sticky stigma that is placed on our little friend, the condom...

Now, a little bit about the article, due to some technological mismatch, the proof-read version of the story did not get through and there were some... hmm... somethings in there that I wouldn't exactly say it that way.

I have a notorious curse upon me, that I usually leave a place in pretty ugly conditions, like when I left for Lahad Datu, I just had a break-up at that time and I left the youth ministry with a sour taste in the mouth. And when I left Lahad Datu to come back to KK, things there were done halfway, projects were abandoned and some people were mad at me for leaving at such a short notice. Also an ugly sight.

And now, when I am about to be transferred down to the clinic, I have this article to explain to the Boss... not just the local boss perhaps, the National Big Shot is coming tomorrow and I may have to deal with him too.. sigh... a perfect sign to herald my unfortunate exit from AIDS Unit...

Sigh... oh me, why me...

the one about a wedding and sexual health...

Today I gave a talk to a bunch of adolescents from Jabatan Belia dan Sukan about HIV, AIDS and reproductive health. It's not that I've not done it before, this easily is becoming a second nature to me... Not sure if that will up my points in the stock-market (kasi naik saham)...

The day started early because my talk was sceduled at 8am and the office driver will come at 6am. Although it has been rainy for the past few days, the mountain decided to greet our coming with a fair whether... and it will only do justice for the mountain to post its picture in colour...

Can you believe some people live in places with this kind of background?

Came down in the afternoon, and pretty much slept the whole afternoon off after taking Actifed for my runny nose...

I have a friend, Ben who gets married today, and I'd really wish to attend his wedding in KL, but if it wasn't for the reshuffling, I'd be in KL now. He probably won't find his way to this blog, but I just want to wish him all the best in his new chapter of life. I'd really love to attend your wedding, Ben! Sorry I can't be there...

Otherwise, I am still caught in preparation for Dato' Hassan's visit next week (The Big Big Shot of Disease Control in Ministry of Health - and he's known for his merciless sarcasm)... I'm still holding on to the post, and still hoping that I don't have to come down to Clinic since I really love what I am doing right now...

work out? Hell yes, I'm working out...


the one about death and legacy, again...

It probably isn't the healthiest thing to do, but I've started this year with pretty morbid reflections, like how life is so short and all... Today at work I had yet another chance to think about how short life can be...

We organised a course for the local undertakers in handling of bodies with infectious diseases (which in this case, HIV) and we had a chance to do a short practical at the hospital morgue. We of course did not use a real HIV body (it is a policy to have as few people as possible in handling infectious cases) so we asked for a young fresh body.

The guy who post-humusly sacrificed his body for the benefit of others, was a 25 years old chap, apparently died of a congestive cardiac failure, with no known heart disease prior to his death. He is also an illegal immigrant, waiting to be deported back to his country, and so happened that he had to die while in detention.

Is his family waiting for him to come back? Does he have a family at all? Since his was one of the unclaimed bodies, there probably isn't much chance of him having a proper funeral. He may have people missing him, but none of his friends and families will know he's gone for good.

We know his name from the records, but what was he like when he was alive? What was his temperament? What was he good at? What is his favourite food? Did he like jazz? What is his legacy? Did he leave any?

Well, at least he contributed something today.


the one about my feeling right now...

I can't believe I am still upset about the issue of being transferred down to the clinic in the middle of my term in AIDS Unit... I have made plans for the year and not to mention the half-way discussions with various agencies on programmes and strategies for 2008... My whole weekend was ruined by the news... I think I am getting depressed...

the one about an almost typical sunday in my life...

1230am - finished journaling and zzzz.....

0645am - rise and shine...

0745am - On the way to Mass at St Paul's Chapel on the Hill, Kinarut

0756am - The journey takes 25 minutes on and old trunk road

0800am - arrive at St Paul's Chapel

0815am - waiting for Mass to start

0825am - stained glass. Still waiting for mass to start

0825am - the quiet moment, preparing for mass (still waiting)

0850am - Br Mark giving an off-pulpit sermon

1005am - heading home

1020 - stopping by at CKS to get Coke for Mom

1047am - home and breakfast

1230pm - watching tv

0230pm - reading magazine while waiting for an appointment later

0340pm - meeting up with KC to design a result card for clinic use

0342 - lunch: chicken peach salad and tiramisu ice blended @ CBTL

0702pm - chicken herbal soup, pork in soy sauce and vege for dinner

0720pm - searching a Dusun song and blogging

0850pm - out to get the Dusun CD

0925pm - couldn't get the CD but spent RM23.90 on a karaoke of the same artist

My day has not ended by the time I posted this blog, but I don't think I'll be doing much later... shower, more reading and perhaps sleep early...

the one song that's been haunting my mind today...

Sometimes that can be irritating but I kinda like this song... the tune is so disturbing, I actually went out to get the CD to sing along (couldn't download from the net) and did some homework on the meaning of the song... getting in touch with my keDusunan bah...

Jestie Alexius

this is the singer of the song, pic taken apparently circa end of May-early June

Id tanga tuong
Okito ku tulan rombituon
Kopurimanan ku osongulunan oku
Do inggino ko koupusan

Intanganku posorili
Anawau binabang tulan
Kinotu ku iso tusak bunga
Ii minungkalad tanga tuong

Lumangad oku dika
Langadon oku miampai dika
Osorou ku sinuau nu, oh koupusan

Koginawaan ku dika
Batos ku dika oi koupusan
Kosorou kopo nangku doho
Lumangad oku dika...

Note: All artistic sentiments were lost during translation... sorry...
it IS a nice, romantic song, really...

In the middle of the night
Looking at the moon and the stars
Realizing that I am alone
My love, you're not here

I look around
The brightness of moonlight
I pick a flower
Blooming in the night

I miss you
I long to be with you
I remember our times together
Oh my love

My love for you
My promise to you, my love
Do you still remember me
I miss you


the one about truth, dreams and lies...

As Sheena super-dramatically puts it...


I've seen this tag going around, and since nobody bothered to tag me on, I'll just tag myselflah... Not that anybody reads my gloomy monotonous monochromatic blog anyway...

So how this thing works, bold if the statement is true, italics if I WISH it is true, and leave it as-it-is if it isn't. Okay. And add some witty remarks at the end of some "remarkable" statements. Okay.


I miss somebody right now. I'm missing many people right now...
I do not watch tv these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses. Not or, and. Of course not both at the same time.
I love to play video games.
I have tried marijuana.
I have been in a threesome.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I have changed mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I curse. Man, do I curse... , the p***** and the f******** type. Not the hocus-pocus type.
I'm totally smart.
I've broken someone's bones. Never do CPR on a bed without a backing board, especially if you're my size...
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi. and sashimi...
I talk really, really fast. In Sabahan bahasa pasar, yes, really fast...
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling. Three younger others, actually...
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. Not quite, but I've put on fake boobs in my saree, parading down Bangsar for a dinner-party with the theme "don't come as yourself"...
I couldn't survive without Caller ID. I don't care much for the caller ID but a handphone with sufficient credit and reception is essential.
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends
. Acquaintances yes, plenty...
I am currently single. And ready to mingle...
I have pecked someone of the same sex. Like a bird pecking on its food, or on the cheek as in a smooch? I can't resist pecking on babies...
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother. Katulahan nanti...
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
. Drunk, yes, but passed out, no.
I've rejected someone before.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before. Hey, I teach this stuff in the maternity clinic...
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I'm shy around members of the opposite sex.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past. Believe me, big mistake!
I have tried alcohol before.
I own the South Park movie.
I would die for my best friend
. Let's see the cause before we do that...
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. Don't fancy Pizzas, but I think Little Italy in KK makes the best Pizza...
I have used my sexuality to advance my career. More like, I wish I could...
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. Not in Malaysia. But the costume party is pretty cool.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. Love it.
I am happy at this moment.
I'm obsessed with girls.
I'm obsessed with boys.
"Obsession" has a very specific medical definition to it...
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met. I tie my lace-up shoes ONCE after I got them, loose enough so that I can just slip them on for the rest of its useful lifetime.
I study for tests most of the time.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced. I have only my left ear pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can. Anyone who bolds this should read about helminths...
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.

Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules
. No, COFFEE rules...
I went college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours
. I only put on dark earthy colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing. Meaning, this questionnaire?
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake's slither. Oh yucks!
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep. I snore...
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions. Oh the typical Roddy thing...
I have jazz in my blood. But its kinda ressessive, because I know I have it somewhere but it doesn't come out phenotypically as the ability to play Jazz...
Climbing trees is a brilliant pastime. Any Sabahan who bolds this one is asking for it...
I wear a toe ring.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with. Make it at LEAST five... and that's counting in a small office...
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I'm an artist. In my own rights...
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex. I like many people, same sex or otherwise...
I am an adrenaline junkie.
I love being happy.


the one about the fleeting nature of life...

It was too soon after I've said about being pushed around in this rat-eat-rat world that I received another shock this morning to know that my days in HIV unit were ending, actually ended, since the memo of transfer is due to come out next Monday... I was of course flabbergasted, not much to say but to curse the fate I am faced with...

I love my job and am proud to stand among the few that can say the same... but what can I do when I become the victim of the system.

This reminds me of the fleeting nature of life itself. The wisdom that I can take home (or wherever they're sending me next) is probably to realise that everything in life is temporary... One day it is here, and the next, it is not (like my job)...

So since I am still here today, what can I do to make the most out of it?



the one about taking a step at a time...

Being pushed around in this result-orientated world, sometime we forget that success usually starts with a small step, not leaps... and babies know better when it comes to taking little steps at a time...

Aaawwwww... I love babies....