is closed. Thanks for your kind patronage all these while. It's been great.
is closed. Thanks for your kind patronage all these while. It's been great.
One of them being, that I have probably lost tract on my sense of priority, which eventually leads to my loss of identity (of which I am digging painfully inside right now).
So in life, certain sacrifices has to be put on to get things right again, and I figured it would be a good start to let go of blogging.
I wish you well, my friends, and I hope one day our path will cross again... hopefully in another medium. Thanks again, thanks very much... it's been a great fun.
Aku tidak pasti, apa yang dipersoalkan kini... pertanyaan tidak bertanda soal, dibalas dengan jawapan tidak bernoktah... Begitu agaknya cara seorang mabuk cuba berdiri... dan bergerak ke depan...
Tepuk dada, tanya selera... tepukan ini hanya menderumkan bunyi kekosongan... di mana kah hatiku kini?
Denganmu, aku pasti...
Aku tahu aku penerimaan tidak diberi dalam ukur cupak. Penerimaan tidak diganjar kepada orang-orang kebanyakan. Penerimaan harus ikhlas... harus datang dari kepercayaan... dan harus lusuh dicubai masa.
Pengharapanku terlalu berat, terlalu berat walau untuk diriku, dan bukan tugas mu untuk menjaja beban ini... Biarlah dengan ketiadaanku mengurangkan jerut di lehermu. Hiduplah dengan tenang kerana aku sanggup hidup dalam selindung.
Gugurkanlah cebisan seyum mu di perjalanan, dan biar aku jamah cebisan senyum mu buat bekalan untuk terus mara. Selagi itu, aku akan terus menepuk dadaku... walaupun aku tahu manakah ia...
Aku hanya mampu melihat dari jauh... and still care so much for you.
Puppies are greater attention getter, and stronger chick magnets than blogging would ever be, so I found out (not for the first time)... haha... I am so getting one for myself.
And this new chap in the pack in christened Rocky, a White Labrador. While holding on to Rocky, it fell asleep in my arms and that magical feeling really made my day...
Dalam 3 bulan yang lepas pendirian dan tunggak keperibadian saya tergugat dengan rancangan penempatan semula kakitangan di pejabat. Sebelum ini saya memang banyak menumpukan perhatian saya terhadap kerja, dan boleh dikatakan 95% benda di dalam kepala saya berkaitan dengan kerja. Saya sanggup keluar malam walaupun tidak dibayar elaun lebih masa demi memastikan program yang dijalankan akan berjaya. saya sanggup dipandang serong oleh mereka-mereka yang kurang berfikiran terbuka kerana merapatkan diri dengan golongan sasaran yang terpinggir, kerana mereka lah yang mendorong perkembangan minat saya di dalam kesihatan awam... dan apabila ini mula retak, begitu juga dengan keperibadian saya mula bergoyang...
Di manakah letaknya keperibadian seseorang itu? Saya tertanya-tanya apakah yang menjadi definasi diri saya sekarang ini. Suatu masa dahulu saya yakin bahawa definasi diri tergambar pada peranan seseorang itu. Peranannya di dalam masyarakat, peranannya di dalam keluarga. peranannya di dalam institusi kerja... peranannya di dalam perhubungannya, perananannya di dalam persahabatannya.
Atau adakah keperibadian itu terletak jauh lebih dalam daripada yang dibenarkan oleh perbatasan penglihatan? Di dalam kepercayaannya? Di dalam ideologi yang dipegangnya... untuk apa dia sanggup mempergadaikan nyawanya...
Beberapa minggu yang lepas juga banyak persoalan fikiran dikosongkan, dengan harapan dapat dimuatkan dengan jawapan yang dicari di dasar gelas... kerana biasanya, kata orang, di dasar gelas ada kebenaran... ada kejujuran... tetapi yang saya jumpa, adalah kekebasan, bukan kebebasan. Dan kekebasan itu tidak kekal.
Yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikandung berciciran. Peribahasa ini banyak menceritakan situasi dalam kehidupan saya dalam beberapa minggu yang lalu... demi mencari penerimaan yang belum pasti, saya banyak memandang dengan sebelah mata perkara-perkara dan perhubungan yang ada di sekeliling saya, yang telah pun menerima saya seadanya. Pertengkaran, pertukaran kata-kata korosif yang tidak sengaja dipertuturkan banyak menagih cukai dalam perhubungan dan persahabatan yang sedia ada.
Mungkin juga saya terlalu mencari penerimaan untuk mengukuhkan goyang dalam retak yang timbul dalam keperibadian saya.
Saya tidak tahu.
Dapatkah retak ini ditampal dengan benda yang lain, selain daripada keperibadian saya sendiri?
Saya tidak tahu.
Yang saya tahu, saya perlu mencari diri saya kembali....
Quoting a book: Complete Digital Photography by Tom Ang:
If you aspire to serious work in digital imaging, you cannot go far without Photoshop... indeed, when you start to become impatient with its [Elements] limitations, you know you're ready for Photoshop.
Well, here's to conformity... shameful me. Cheers.
And now: pimples, patches, uneven skin tones, crow's feet BE GONE!
(Sheens wish you're around, really!)
I'll be staying a tad bit longer than I'd expect, just to get the RM 9.90 (not inclusive of the 400% hidden charges of course) ticket... but actually I'll end up spending more for accommodation, ha..ha.. biarlah asal I dont free-free give my money to AirAsia ha..ha..
Jazz! Here I come...
Suspiciously I think it is still a love song, as the videoclip suggests (well, that's what happen if you're a sino-dusun yang tidak tau dusun... sigh). Anyway, this is a Jestie Alexius song, and whoever is a Dusun yang pandai Dusun, please help...
auku insan da gumaab
osulu diti pitongkiadan kito
tu mantad di pogulu
gumahab oku dika oi koupusan
alansan ku nogi
piginawan tumilombus id kounsikahan
nga norubat kosindualan
it au milo toh insoduan
nunu guno dato mononsol ba'eno
baino natagak nodi
nung otuyud ko om au moninduol ku
om ingga pio kosindualan
tu hiti kito po da miginawo
sundung tu kakal oku
oupus dika oi koupusan ku
nunu podi poboroson ku
tu ontok dino
nawaig mantad notok ku
kakal lumuyung kosorou dika
oruol iti ginawo ku
tu miagal diti
nunu guno dato mononsol ba'eno
baino natagak nodi
nung otuyud ko om au moninduol ku
om ingga pio kosindualan
koupusan hino ko po baino
Still nauseous from the colics and a bit irritable, I think it's better for me to rest the pain at home so I called in sick and plan to go get an MC for myself later.
(no, I cannot sign my own MC slip)
Like promised here's a little something about kidney stones... wrote it since last night but fell asleep on the computer after a few extra pills of pain killer and muscle relaxants...
Writing this article reminds me of medical school days loooong time ago...
Kidney stone is a result of crystallization of certain minerals that are excreted by the kidney in the urinary tract. There are many causes that lead to formation of kidney stones, which I’ll discuss in the next heading. It is estimated that 1 in every 20 people get kidney stones at some point of their life. If you don’t already have one, try counting the people around to see the chances of you joining the club… When doctors talk to each other, they like to action and say nephrolithiasis or urolithiasis instead. Gaya bah… actually it’s the same.
WHAT CAUSES KIDNEY STONES?
2 conditions that can cause the formation of stones... first if there’s a decrease in urine volume… and the second if there’s too much of the stone forming substance in the urine.
Actually, stone will form when there’s too little urine flow in the kidney. Number 1 reason is always dehydration due to poor fluid intake, which means there isn’t enough fluid to make urine. Other than that, the fluid could be enough but urine flow is obstructed, by whatever reason (like another stone blocking the passage) that will also lead to stone formation.
Below are more conditions that may lead or associated with stone formation…
Gout. So it’s not just all about bone pain and swollen ankles. Gout is actually caused by crystalisation of a certain substance in the joint space, and these substance can also become kidney stone.
Too much calcium (or hypercalciusia) in the urine, usually from food, like overdosing yourself with Calcium Tabs.
Problem with parathyroid gland, or problem with the kidney itself. Stones are also associated with some inherited disease such as high blood pressure and diabetes.
People who has bad bowel problem… or inflammatory bowel disease… or if one has had an intestinal operation before.
People who are taking diuretics for blood pressure, or too frequently downing antacids for stomach upset has increased risk of getting stones as well
WHAT ARE SYMPTOMS OF KIDNEY STONES?
Pain. That’s number one.
Some people may have a silent stone (entah mangkali kebas sudah di bawah dia tu) but the pain is classically described as excruciating, cramping pain in the lower back, groin, and towards the abdomen.
If you can imagine a laundry-maid twisting a towel to squeeze water out, that’s how it feels like at my side when the pain comes. The imaginary maid keeps on twisting and releasing an imaginary towel on my side (which is in fact in reality my ureters) and this goes on and on for hours.
In medical jargon there are a few ways to describe pain, and this is characteristic of what we call colicky pain. It may be so severe that it is often accompanied by nausea and vomiting.
Another obvious symptom is blood in the urine. It is caused by traumatic passage of the stone along our delicate and sensitive ureters.
HOW ARE KIDNEY STONES DIAGNOSED?
Usually the doctor will suspect kidney stone is the classical symptoms (pain and pain characters) are present, and by properly asking for sickness history he can get the diagnosis mostly right.
But nowadays our smartypants clients are getting more demanding and won’t be satisfied if not subjected to a few blood test or x-rays before getting the diagnosis.
Only 10% of the common kidney stones can be seen by normal x-ray, that’s why another more canggih kind of x-ray needs to be taken after a type of dye is inhected into our bloodstream. The dye will be excreted in the kidney, and it will be visible on x-ray. If the bugger is present, it’s outline or obstruction can be seen along the urinary path.
Ultrasound scan can also be applied to track the offending bugger down, but this technique needs more skills and experience to pull off.
WHAT IS THE TREATMENT FOR KIDNEY STONES?
Most kidney stones eventually pass through the urinary tract on their own within 48 hours, with ample fluid intake. Medications can be prescribed to help with the pain..
For kidney stones which do not pass on their own, a procedure called lithotripsy is often used. In this procedure, shock waves are used to break up a large stone into smaller pieces that can then pass through the urinary system.
Surgical techniques have also been developed to remove kidney stones. This may be done through a small cut in the skin or through an instrument known as an ureteroscope passed through the urethra and bladder up into the ureter (oh my, I have gone through this before, and it’s not nice…)
HOW CAN KIDNEY STONES BE PREVENTED?
Rather than having to undergo treatment, it is best to avoid kidney stones in the first place. It can be especially helpful to drink more water. Water helps to flush away the substances that form stones in the kidneys.
So your mommy was right all along… drink water, drink water, drink water…
Ah, I should name my stone Petrus (as in cephas)... that should teach it to be cute.... Damn Petrus...
I'll be posting something more about kidney stone... so that you guys know...
(as for now I'll just go and lie down a while)
Still I came in... and it was a wonderful revisit to an experience I have not had for a long while...
In pain with my stone moving right now, I'll be posting more later... time for this old junk get a check up and medication...
And if you'd only know what ureteric colic feels like, you won't think this is funny at all...
It's nice being sick when people will get things for you. "Uncle" Ben just got her a branded teething toy that naturally like any other toys, goes right into the mouth!
This is when I tried to take a picture of a locust on my car this morning... totally unusable...
My new pendrive from SanDisk... and the polar-bear.
ARTEo: but hey, i decided to swallow the pill...
ARTEo: might as well savour the bitterness...
ARTEo: well, i believe we all have options in life...
ARTEo: choose to like to dislike
ARTEo: to go out with, to ignore
ARTEo: to be friends, to stop at a level
Theophilus: well, I'm not the person who dislikes someone just because someone tells me to
Theophilus: but to completely ignore someone as a friend? I don't think that's Christian
ARTEo: ...i guess it all comes down to the very basic thing... what is this relationship have in store for one...
ARTEo: Christian or non christian, i dont think that's Human
ARTEo: i dont know...
ARTEo: Religion is there because one is trying to prove that God exists
Theophilus: but we know that he does...
ARTEo: but if one is already convinced of that, i think that a person can then become a Person because he no longer needs to prove that
ARTEo: i don't know...
ARTEo: just a philosophy i am thinking of....
ARTEo: ...does a person need to strive to be recognised as a Christian?
ARTEo: or does Christianity translates as humanity when the heart is right...
Theophilus: no..one doesnt wear Christianity as a brand
ARTEo: well, one may not, but the everybody else minus that one is...
ARTEo: it's something that we see in church, out of church, religious conversations etc...
Theophilus: haha...well I haven't been around long enough to really see that
Theophilus: I only know that being a Christian is supposed to affect ur choices
ARTEo: yea... we may not grow out of our Christianity, but we can probably grow into our Humanity
Theophilus: hmm..whatever that causes
ARTEo: i tend to think that it's a natural progression
ARTEo: rather than to think that it is caused by a certain something
ARTEo: ...the Dark Night makes you more human...
ARTEo: (hey can I post this up in my blog?, I'll do with a pseudonym for you)
ARTEo: yay, thanks
Theophilus: don't mind when I go quiet, I'm editing my meeting minutes
ARTEo: no worries.....
ARTEo: i have a new blog...
ARTEo: to put pictures...
ARTEo: and philosophy...
Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived.
Star Trek: Generations
Life is now. Life is here.
(after I've asked my friends fo the details)
Though today it was canceled, Bobbi, Sisqo and Rex did get an outing and still came for a little run on the ?basketball court.
Jazz-manias rejoice! (at least those in and around Miri)
I'm seriously planning to go... anyone to come along?
(thanx to Air Asia, now everybody can go to MIJF, yay!)
The Pavilion, Parkcity Everly Hotel,
Miri, Sarawak, Malaysia
9 - 10 May 2008, 5:00pm - 1:00am
Promised to be another signature attraction for Miri’s tourism calendar, MIJF 2008 will be liven up by renowned jazz performers from Australia, Philippines, Korea, Cuba, Japan, Holland, USA, France, UK and Canada. Nearer to home, we will see performances from bands from Sarawak and Sabah, taking centre stage among the foreign performers. Their genre of jazz include blues and fusion jazz with a tinge of Latin, Caribbean and oriental music.
Habana Sax, one of the performers from this year’s line up will also make a come-back at next year’s festival, after the crowd voted the band as their favourite.
Parkcity Everly Hotel in Miri will still play host for the venue of the festival, which had attracted more than 4,000 guests over the two nights last year. Last year’s crowd turn out had increased by almost two folds as compared to more than 2,000 guests in 2006. Apart from enjoying the good music, guests can also savour the wide variety of food and beverages at the stalls set up in and around the venue.
Looking at the steady increase in the crowd turn out, MIJF is set to become an icon for Miri and in line with STB’s aim at boosting the city’s tourism industry.
Parkcity’s management has also indicted its plan to expand the Pavilion where the main stage is located, to provide more room for the increasing number of audiences.
Beautiful sunset... I wasn't too crazy about the clouds, but it would be much better if there weren't so many people around...
The coloured version of these pictures are in my flickr.
Drowning my sorrows in straw coloured fluid? It could be...
I was just having a chat with a really long lost friend earlier, and going back to talk about life as it was then, I realised that it was so easy to define myself, my purpose and direction, as if I knew what I wanted and for sure was headed somewhere...
Could it be just a retrospective ease, because now thinking about my current purpose and direction, I feel like I don't know anything. It could be from the stress at work (or the lack of, work, not stress.
21 days gone waiting and seeing, coming in and out of the office, without proper aim since I can't be of real help in the Department, and can't really see patients since I am not authorised to work in Pekan Maternity Clinic yet... tried to enjoy the ride but this vacation in the Vineyard of the Jobless is doing very badly to my self-esteem...
Damn it, I hate being useless....
Lokasi: Starbucks Coffee / Warisan Square
Masa: 3pm (sebelum hujan)
Yuran fotografi: percuma setakat ini... (bah siapa lagi mau?)
semua hak cipta terpelihara
Tapi apa yang diperkatakan tentang minum-minum dapat melupakan masalah adalah benar... untuk seketika... sebab apabila sober balik keesokannya, teringat lagi balik.... hahaha...
Saya sedang dalam proses mengubahsuai blog saya yang satu lagi, iaitu Cafe Philosoffee supaya menjadi lebih eksklusif terhadap kopi, falsafah dan benda-benda yang setaksonomi dengannya...
Oleh itu, saya membuat keputusan untuk mengalihkan tulisan-tulisan saya yang berunsur Pulitzer ke blog yang ini, yang mana semua akan kena patch kan... hahaha...
So, baca lah tulisan-tulisan lama-lama saya... gambar kebanyakkannya saya tidak copy balik, so mungkin kering sedikit membaca... namun ringkasan hidup saya dalam setahun dua ini semuanya ada di sana... dan kalau kering, pi minum air...
LoVE BEYOND ONE'S MEANS?
Many many years back, somewhere in 1996 or 1997, my good friend, Vic and I were at the beach for a barbeque, or some sort of club outing... can't really remember the details but I think it was something organised by Interact Club KK... but this I remember, he asked me if I think he's ready for love (probably on the way to the first of his many great adventures in finding out the matter himself).
I remember the question because throughout the last fifteen years or so, I reflected upon the question, time and again, and every time I thought I knew the answer, I would later have to admit I knew none the better.
What is love? How do you know you're in love?
The quest for the answer has brought me through a few relationships and intellectual search for the meaning of love from a scientific and spiritual point of observation. All that I can (prematurely) conclude for now, is that love is not all cerebral, nor is it all spirito-sensorial, but an interplay of both without any definitive equilibrium.
I was asked a question recently, that challenged the statement: love is unconditional.
The argument went like this. If MsA were to love MrB unconditionally, would she ever fall out of love, given that love also perseveres and is a decision slash commitment at its worst?
I say that love is a commitment at its worst, assuming that the cloud-9 factor has rained away and all the butterflies have left the stomach, and when all the excitement of adrenalin-serotonin cocktail has lost its kick, all that is left is MrB and MsA, and nothing much in between other than a promise to be together.
One of my many ObiWans, once reminded me about the danger of over-spiritualising love. In faith I believe the theology of 3-fold love:Agape, Eros and Filia, loosely defined as love of God, love between spouses and friendship slash family ties respectively.
Can a person's love ever be unconditional? What does it mean by unconditional? If to love unconditionally means that love is given out without any reservation, in all situations be it good or bad, and to love all including our enemies, where does it leave unconditional love with respect to our spouse? Are humans capable of Agape?
My next question, is Eros unconditional?
How can Eros be unconditional when we spend most of our adult life looking for the perfect one - the one with the height, the one with the measurement, the one with the look, the one with financial stability... even beyond all that superficiality, we still look for the one that makes us laugh, the ones that comforts us in our pain, and the one that dance our dance.
The argument was not conclussive in any way, which sent me back to the road on my search for a true love, my true love. But one day I know that I will end this quest, with a person that I would promise a commitment of life and death faithfulness, and hopefully by then I would have a better idea of what love means. Some say that you'll only know love 50 years into your marriage. Geez I hope I don't have to wait that long...
P/s: By the way, I looooove coffee. So how do I categorise that?
TO RELIEVE, OFTEN
TO COMFORT, ALWAYS
Being doctors, our philosophy of treatment only involves an occasional necessity in healing success.
Working in medical line, I ponder a lot on this word: healing. When a patient comes to me, being sick and all, what he is looking for could be a relief from his ailments. I would offer some advice, probably a pill or two, and send him away. Do I send him off healed? What is his expectation of the consultation? Does he expect that he will be well again just by downing a couple of pills?
We are probably thinking of a guy with a common headache, or a congested nose, or maybe some kind of discomfort in the tummy. Sitting in a community clinic, probably the bulk of my clients are of that sort. If he doesn't feel well after a couple of days, he'd probably come again or go to another medical practitioner. Even if he gets better, we seldom use the word 'healed', for cured is probably a more popular option amongst the medical personnels.
One kind of 'illness' - for lack of a better word - that probably isn't as easy to treat as a common flu or even probably a huge, nasty, deep-in brain lesion could be easier dealt with, is a broken, desolated heart.
One can go into desolation secondary to uncountable factors, and most of it involves an emotion of love and care, unmet expectations ending up in deep disappointment. The hurt of a broken heart can sometimes be so intense, that one would rather have his nails pulled out. In situations like this, one usually seek for healing rather than cure.
Healing is a process, and the length of this process, through personal experience, may not have a fixed time, or may not even have a clear end-point. I would think that I am completely healed of the hurt from a certain occasion or crisis, because I am able to talk about it freely without feeling the cringe inside, but the next minute a song will just remind me of the whole thing and I will be crying unconsolably. What the heck, when will this all end?
I used to ask God to just take it all away, leave me refreshed and anew, but it never seems to be a good idea, or else He would have thought of it before me. His way of healing is usually slow, and graced with feeling of comfort and assurance from time to time. Now I have come to term that actual healing may not be similar to the one I have in my mind. I would probably not be left completely free of any emotions from my past experiences, but healing comes as easiness to accept the grace of perseverance, strength and comfort in knowing that He has always been around. Healing, to me, means that I am able to see the blessings that were hidden behind the whole tragedy, blocked by my irrational but most-necessary emotions at that time.
Like a scar that covers a wound will never disappear completely, my past experiences will never completely go away, always staying around making a surprise visit from time to time to remind me of the grace and blessings that I've received. If only I'd be quiet and obedient enough to see it.
but a biological computer. Love, joy,
sorrow, fear, apprehension, anger,
satisfaction, and discontent provide
the meaning of human existence.
Many years ago I've pondered upon the silly issue, when I die, how many people will come to my funeral, how many will feel the loss of my absence, who will carry my coffin, who will say something during my funeral service, what will they say?
Somehow, these kinds of thoughts may be rendered morbid by certain people, while others will think that these kinds of thoughts are the ones that separate big from small boys.
My usual contentment is in knowing that I have people around me who will be honest enough to tell me my breath stinks, or that I dress silly, or that I am getting to fat for my blazer... My point is, not that I find pleasure in having my pride burst all the time, but in knowing that there are some out there who would risk a few weeks of cold treatment or even a harsh retort, to be open to each other as best possible yet knowing that it would be okay because our friendship is valued at much more than just the apparent peace and comfort of un-tried and un-tested acquaintances.
I may not be the most out-spoken, or do I usually readily share my feelings with others, but I know the only key to healing is to acknowledge that I am not well. Emotionally even.
I have lost many friendships through my last life-tragedy. Saying this may not be exactly fair to many, but there's no such thing as a human-relations that is built without any expectations. And being me, my expectations can sometimes paralyse something that I treasure much.
I am disappointed. It could be unfair for me to say this, but playing angels and hiding my feelings are not exactly doing me much good either. I am disappointed at many of my friends back home who has not made any real effort in knowing whether or not I am doing fine. I am disappointed at some of them who'd assume that I would rather be left alone, and I am disappointed at some of them who re just plain too afraid to ask... Afraid? Lame.
I used to be in a team of leadership team, dedicated to Build Kingdom Builders. Having invested most of my time, and much much of my meagre earnings on something that I believed in so much. I had an army (okay, probably not as many as a platoon) of colleagues, comrades, who carries the banner of our common vision together, having fought through unpopularity and the pain of persecution, bleeding from the attack but with our free hands holding on to each other as we struggle to stand to what we believe in. Really, even with all the pain and all, I miss those days when I could still belong to a pack, and "us" was a real entity.
Anyway, being a person who "usually" exudate positivity, I refuse to think that my current loses are going down the pipe, but I'd rather invest in the hope that some will at least benefit from all that I've given. I have those who still would call me up and write some soothing emails, and come visit. I know it is not the most-macho things to want all these, and yes I am lucky, very very fortunate to have them. But I have to acknowledge the stab that is left on my chest, and know that all that I see is a passing glory. Sic transit gloria mundi.
So how should I live my life tomorrow? In full appreciation to whatever I have left, acknowledge those who are still holding me dear, and learn that healing will not come by as soon as I'd like it to be, but still I am not without friends.
SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME...
Last Monday I was on-leave, and while making the most of my time at home (snoozing in the afternoon) I was woken up by a series of in-coming call and messages, amongst all, from the Timbalan Pengarah Kesihatan, asking me to call back...
I was offered (hhmm... this word doesn't seem right somehow) to come back to KK to take over a post in the HeadQuarters, in charge of HIV Unit of Infectious Disease Control... What do make of the news...? Mixed feelings I have to say.
I want to write in the story of how I felt when I first found out where Tungku was (not found on a small map) but as it were, there's so much things to do, hand-overs and a General Meeting to prepare for tomorrow... so yea, I'll do this later...
excerpt from THE FIFTH MOUNTAIN
by PAULO COELHO
ELIJAH LOOKED AT AKBAR below. Yes, God sometimes could be very stern, but never beyond a person's capacity: the boy was unaware that they were sitting where Elijah had received an angel of the Lord and learned how to bring him back from the dead.
"Are you going to miss me?" Elijah asked.
"You told me that sadness disappears if we press ahead. There's still much to do to leave Akbar as beautiful as my mother deserves. She walks in the streets."
"Come back to this place when you have need of me. And look towards Jerusalem: I sahll be there, seeking to give meaning to my name, Liberation. Our hearts are linked forever."
"Was that why you brought me to the top of the Fifth Mountain? So I could see Israel?"
"So you could see the valley, the city, the other mountains, the rocks and clouds. The Lord often has his prophets climb mountains to converse with Him. I laways wondered why He did that, and now I know the answer: when we are on high, we can see everything else as small."
"Our glory and our sadness lose their importance. Whatever we conquered or lost remains there below. From the heights of the mountains, you see how large the world is, and how wide its horizons."
The boy looked about him. From the top of the Fifth Mountain, he could smell the sea that bathed the beaches of Tyre. And he could hear the desert wind that blew from Egypt.
"Someday I'll govern Akbar," he told Elijah. "Iknow what's big. But I also know every corner of the city. I know what needs to be changed."
"Then change it. Don't let things remain idle."
with original title:
BARTENDER... ONE MORE PLEASE... hick!
I've been wanting to write, and still waiting for the inspiration to put everything that has happened in a novel-like flow... but that time may never come.
I've always realised the fact that every blog (or blogger for that matter) has an exhibitionistic characteristic to it, for if it has not, why blog? And every blog reader is a voyeur... for if not, why bother?
Anyway, I've stopped writing for months before deciding to start again. And for that past 4 months when my previous blog was stagnant, never did I receive any comments or even anybody asking about my silence. The moment I closed that blog up, I've got hit more than all the time I was active writing put together... I guess that's just normal.
So I've been inviting very little people in when I first started. The reason, ... was because I thought I was going to write something like this... to tell the story that everyone has been wanting to hear... but too afraid to ask...
I've been telling the same story in multiple angles, hopefully to suit each person that hears it... but more often than not, the story telling session will either end up in a heated series of accuses and defense, or will be ended prematurely without any real closure. Anyway, I've come to accept the deal that these things or stories (or excuses if you may) are not meant to please anyone, not meant to be understood by everyone and most certainly not a desperate plea for a pat on the back...
Now that I've started this entry with such a sulky and sour mood, you can imagine how much worse my year has started. It all began... wait... the whole cascade of events did not start at the beginning of the year but much much earlier.
Being in a long-distance-relationship surely has taxed the both of us in many ways, emotionally especially, through lack of proximity and day-to-day connection...
. . .
Having written, erased, re-written and re-erased lines after lines in attempt to explain the factors leading to the break-up, I've come to a frustrating defeat, and decided that I will only say this about the break-up...
Have you ever been in a room-full of people, but still feel like you're alone in the room?
It has been a few years since we first met. We have known each other for a good number of months before deciding to go out together, and I have to admit that those were the best times of my life. Everything was in place: relationship, church, ministry, friends... and it started to go downhill when work sent me across the state.
Long story cut short, we were slowly disconnected by the distance. A few attempts were made to reconcile the negative air... and the worst one - I admit whole-heartedly - was to get engaged.
Many would club me on the head for this sheer stupidity - but stupid is as stupid does - I have no logical explanation to this, other than I was really hopeful, and really desperate to make it work. But later reflections brought me to realise that I've put too much of my own work in this. And real relationship has to be much more than make-belief.
The break-up was not an easy out of the situation. I remember a saying quoted to me by a teacher, she said; don't make your way deeper into the buffalo horn. Originally quoted in Taiwanese mandarin, which I took in as a completely foreign language (I don't even understand the local mandarin well). Basically it means don't get yourself into a narrowing path.
After much discernment - or rather rediscernment - I gathered enough of my own balls to bring up the issue and confront it face to face. Some postulated that it could be just cold-feet - a rather common reaction towards marriage... but I think not. I don't think I am afraid of being tied down by commitment to family life, or to give all-to-one, till death do us part... Anyway, I'll refrain from explaining the matter more, as I've mentioned before. The lonely-in-full-room phenomena. That's all there is to it. Though we've been together for years, I still feel that there's a void - an insuppressible need to be understood, to know and to connect on a deeper level.
One friend mentioned that it could be just the void that only God can fill. That only Jesus would do. Yea, but if that's the case no one will ever know Eros. Politically correct to say that only God can fill up a vacuum, but I think this vacuum is human-shaped for the God-shaped vacuum has been occupied long time ago, Hallelujah!
One more thing to say: over-spiritualising is not good - because God is bigger that the size of our heads - and every time I think I knoweth, I knoweth not much more.
The whole incident has cost me much more than I was ready to lose - not to mention the financial compensation that I thought only applies to native Sabahans... oh well, the last thing I want is to be called "kurang ajar" for not complying with this sad custom. I've heard worse though, that for the Suluks, when a man comes to propose to a lady with the dowry ready, for the lady to decline the proposal, she has to pay back double the amount of money they guy brought in... and many of them were forced into marriage. These cases are common issues when they come in for counseling in the clinic.
My circle of friends has shrunk considerably too. People often favour - or choose to think that the ladies are always the victim in cases like this - and this is a form of subtle gender-discrimination and stereotyping - that we all are very gung-ho to fight against - but often let it pass under our own noses unnoticed. Anyway, I do admit that the whole situation has put many of our common friends in tight corners, and I did not want to make anything more difficult than it already was, so I let things be - hoping that some would at least try to understand my situation and probably able to accept me back into their circle. But this kind of waiting bears bitter fruits, as months past by without anyone calling to ask how I am doing, not even the people I trust the most in the ministry.
The mind is free to generate all sorts of ideas when one is in desolation. The one that fumed me the most was the feeling that all my effort during the days of Leadership Training went down the pipe. It may be unfair to relate it this way, but not even my best leader-friends bothered to call-up, or drop an sms to ask how if I am okay... I may be too wishful about this, but weren't we talking about watching each others' back, and looking for that one lost sheep? Well, this one sheep isn't gonna write postcards...
To divert my negativities that accumulated from this event, I started doing the thing Roddy does best - drowning myself with activities and work. Well, about work, you can leave work (like go on-leave) but work will not leave you (when people call you on the Cell to ask things) Anyway, I got myself busy - and for some time it works to numb my depression - but problem came at night when I was free to think and assume all sorts of stuff.
*Vic and other psychiatrists reading this: no worries - no suicidal thoughts what-so-ever!
My love for the Ministry has prevented me from going in to explain myself during the earlier days. Submitting to my Obi Wan (I have a few) I should not return to the ministry at its current state - shaky and in desperate need of a steadfast leader at that time - I had to take an involuntary-leave-of-absence because my presence could potentially be hazardous to it. Watching from afar has not been my greatest strength, so I decided to turn around and hope for a better time to return.
The hardest slap was when a programme in the ministry - the annual camp - of which I was very much involved during its initial set-up - and of which I have put so much of myself in to see it come through - was organised this year without me knowing anything about it at all - and the worst was that I actually heard about it when a young-ciku member asked whether I would like to 'attend' this event! A big blow to my pride, yes, for my middle name is still pride... but I felt like saying "Boy, I DO this camp, I don't attend it..." Anyway, God bless that poor boy for being so nice.
I thought that being absent from the ministry was a personal decision and somewhat voluntary to a certain degree -- but now I feel shunt...
Having my circle of friends purified to a few gems - I wrote this in my last entry for O'er a Cuppa Cafe - meant to say thanks for those that really stood by me during my most difficult times - friend that spent a whole morning during his short-trip back to hear me out, who understood my story long before I'm done telling it, whose friendship I have no fear of losing despite my screwed up biography, friend who came all the way to my little place by the sea, planned an impossible birthday party, got drunk over coffee and philosophy.. and gone nuts with - literally, friend who attended that impossible birthday party (hehe) who's been around keeping me in check, friend who wrote to comfort and offer herself, whom I believe understands despite not knowing much, who bleeds to my predicaments, friend who has been on the other side of the telephone, having to hear me vent - and sometimes yelling things that I would be ashamed to reproduce in writings...
But most of all, even though to the least of their knowledge, I've been leaning a lot on my family, my parents whom I know are worried sick, and especially on my siblings - to be around through the times when I needed the comfort of people I love the most.
The past months surely have been trying - and having survived it - I know I will rise up - for what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger... What do I expect to learn from all these?
SENSE OF SECURITY
Having breakfast with a long-lost friend earlier, we were talking about 'what-women-want' and we came to the issue of sense-of-security.
We were discussing sense of security as the sense of her love being recognised and acknowledged. It means that a man only has to recognise the love that she gives, know that she gives it only to him and after that, everything else is secondary. Sense of security doesn't come from knowing that there're going to be diamonds and jewels or even bread on the table.
A tad bit extreme... what do you think?
Please allow colours for just this one post. They are not intended for PATCH in the first place...
PicHarmonics @ Philosoffee
10 TIPS ON TAKING CRITICISM
by John Maxwell
1. Understand the difference between constructive and destructive criticism
2. Don't take yourself too seriously
3. Look beyond the criticism and see the critic
4. Watch your own attitude toward the critic
5. Realise that good people get criticised
6. Keep physically and spiritually in shape
7. Don't just see the critic, see if there's a crowd
8. Wait for the time to prove them wrong
9. Surround yourself with positive people
10. Concentrate on your mission - change your mistakes
LIFE IS GOOD
Life is good not because it is easy
Life is good in the moments of sorrow
Life is good in the moments of fear
Life is good in the moments of doubt
Life is good in the moments of conflict
Life is good in the moments of betrayal
Life is good in the moments of crisis
Life is good in the moments of loss
For how else would I learn to be joyful
For how else would I learn to be courageous and strong
For how else would I learn to have faith
For how else would I learn to be a peace-maker
For how else would I learn to trust in love and friendship
For how else would I learn to shut up and listen to Him
For how else would I learn to appreciate and count my blessings
Life is good
and in most instances, it needs not any reasons
Life is good
Life is good
Apa yang mungkin anda rasa jika tiba-tiba seorang mengeluarkan kertas renyuk dari poketnya dan memberikan itu sebagai kad-networking nya? hahaha
Eniwei, dis is mai kad...
Terima kasih atas kunjungan anda, sila balik-balik datang lagi...!