the one that i decided not to count anymore...

Malas sudah sya ni...

the third day i am still counting my calories...

How am I supposed to keep track when the meeting serves a buffet for lunch and an eight course dinner at night? Trying my very best to take charge of my control-able intakes, here's another shameful list... well people say we need 21 trials to create a habit... try lah.

1. Misuah and egg (383)
2. 1 slice bread (70)
3. Nescafe (96)
4. Black Tenom coffee - happy to count as nil
5. Rice (1/3 bowl) (65)
6. Vegetables in starchy gravy (70)
7. Fish curry (2 small pieces) (160)
8. Butter Prawns (6 medium sized) (140)
9. Syrup Rose (100)
10. Nescafe Mocha (140)
11. 3 Pieces Non-sugar Chewing gum (15)
12. Dinner (1000) Okay la since I'm so lazy to count each and every items for dinner, I'll just pass it on as 1000 - at least can make up for yesterday's deficit bah kan, hehe

Eii... only 2239kcal for all that today? Hmm... I wonder why I am not slim yet... In that case should keep to a 2000kcal daily requirement la like this...

the second day i took note of my caloric intake...

The effort to reduce my daily caloric intake has not seem to result in anything to be proud of... Well, I guess one day I will be too embarrassed to list down everything and will eventually cut down just to be able to put up a healthier list. Oh well, until that time comes...

Today's fat factors:

1. Grapes 372g (201)
2. Nescafe Mocha 240mls (140)
3. Konlo Noodle (580)
4. Chinese tea (negligible)
5. Rice 1/3cup (65)
6. Squid in pineapple and onion gravy (55)
7. Vegetable in belacan sauce (55)
8. Fried egg (90)
9. 1 bowl toddy palm in honey syrup (210)
10. Homemade pizza (102)
11. In flight orange juice (100)

Ai? This is weird... only 1598? Could be something wrong somewhere, but I swear these are all I had for today...

Another day tomorrow... never mind... must not give up... cewah!

the day i ate for one and a half days!

Desperate to achieve my target of dropping down to BMI 28 - which is still sleeping soundly in far far away land (tidur mati barangkali...) I've come to the lamest attempt to chart and record my daily caloric intake. I have a feeling that this is going down the gutter in the most cow-dungish way of failure, but hey, if I can do it for 2 days, why not do it for 2 days, right?

So I bought myself a small booklet (like all my previous attempts - if I lose 10 pounds for every booklet I've bought for this purpose, I'd be sexy by now) and started recording things that I munch down.

I managed to down 3448kcal from all that I ate yesterday, a hefty 172% of a recommended daily allowance for a person of similar lifestyle.

Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad....

These are the culprits

1. KFC 3 pieces (1180) - I was THAT hungry okay
2. Pepsi (reg) (150)
3. Grapes (300++ gms) (335)
4. OLE ice cream (1 piece) (133) okay, I admit, this I didn't need
5. Apple juice (250mls) (110)
6. LoHan Ko (220) this is a buang panas drink my kakak did - drank it throughout the day
7. BBQ chicken wings (472)
8. Murtabak (2 pc) (500) an estimation, totally not needed but I was craving for this for a week already
9. 4-in-1 Coffee Mocha (from Vietnam) (96)
10. Kuaci bunga (1 pack) (130)
11. I glass OJ (122)

No wonder every time I try to lose weight, it keeps finding me back...

the day i was thinking about my dwindling social life

They're everywhere. In buildings, outside buildings, in car parks, on escalators, in elevators, on tv, in newspapers, on the roads, on the sidewalks, in the cafes, in the eateries, in the cinemas... everywhere. And the more I don't want to notice it, the more prominently they appear to me.


It is funny how for the past half a year or so, I have not the slightest interest of this. I went on through life, knowing full well that it is still all around, but I was able to be nonchalant about it. "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, wore the ring, well, thanks but no thanks for now..."

But I am seeing it all around. I know it does not necessitate me to do something about it hastily, but somehow the mind plays special focus on the matter lately, annoyingly even at my disapproval.

People - couple - twosomes - lovebirds - they're everywhere....

I bet this is just a phase that I am going through at this point of time. Probably a sign that I am moving on, that I am ready for another trial in life...

Funny when I re-read my entry on love in my previous blog, I talked about the list, qualities and all, but all that can be fulfilled. When it comes to getting together on a long term basis, I realised that a certain aspect has to be checked first.

Compatibility.

the list

The issue of compatibility can be seen from multiple angles. People say that opposite attracts, but what I think about it, is just a way to compensate whatever they lack in themselves by hooking up with each other. Like ying and yang. People who gets along too well may have found themselves in each other, and as long as they're comfortable with 'themselves' that should not be a problem too...

I remember getting very broody watching kids play (long long long time ago), and said to myself that I'd get a kid by 25, and if not from marriage, I'd adopt one! I remember making packs also with a friend, like the one made in Friend - that I'd get married with her if we're both still single by the time I am 30! But I can't remember who that was anymore... probably to her advantage, haha!

But one thing holds true -- that THE person must be someone I can see myself growing old with, and still hold hands with, even if our wrinkles rub and we get burns from the friction...

first, the approach is slow and subtle

Ah... with my social life the size of a dead skin cell, I need to put up more thickness to this face to meet more people... A blind date doesn't sound too bad at this point...

then, the holding hands during pak-toh

the most romantic one - the holding hands during matrimony

still holding on through thick and thin

holding hands means a lot more when there are little "us" in life - the only coloured pic you'll see here

still holding on even though... not exactly what I have in mind, but will do.. will do...

the day i felt it was not an ordinary day...

Not an ordinary day today. Quite laid back, spent most of the time on my office desk writing into my organiser. Not the usual action packed, meeting-after-meeting and rushing for datelines.

Started off with an appointment with a publishing company to discuss about printing our yearly PROSTAR Bulletin and some of our Clinical Practise Guidelines that are running short. Then headed off for a supervision visit to Penampang Clinic to see their management of cases.

Lunch, didn't have anything to eat, walked around at Wawasan Plaza. Amazed at the numbers of Giant supermarket all over KK and the rate of their growth. Almost omnipresent. Bought a tongue scrapper and an Indonesian movie called Alexandria.

Came back to the office, had another meeting with my 3-men team, discussing the apparent under-diagnosis of sexually transmitted diseases in Sabah, and how to go around the problem of reporting and notification. Contemplated putting a compound on 2 doctors who reported late.

Found out that my BIG BOSS has changed his visit schedule yet another time, eating into my plan to visit Anne and Mart for their wedding. Tried to reschedule my flight to KL but failed. Now thinking of a way to break the news to Anne without getting killed in the process.

Cancelled a visit to the airport cargo, supposingly a plan to see the procedures of importing the cadaver of a HIV-infected man to be burried here.

Went to get some chicken wings for dinner before going home. At home, kakak prepared tang-yuen for dessert. Felt a slight headache since afternoon so decided to take a short nap at 0800pm.

Woke up at 0200am, figured that a 6 hours nap is enough to kill a headache. Watched 1 disc of Alexandria and had Maggi for supper.

Thinking of catching up with my coffee reviews but the internet connection is so bloody slow now. So, can't do much and thinking of going back to sleep soon. Having a bit of runny nose, so Actifed would be good to help me to go back to sleep.

No, today was not an ordinary day.

the day i could not fix a puncture...

After going through medical school, and especially Housemanship at Queen Hospital, there's little that I'd admit I couldn't fix... wow, statement tu bah!

But really, for one with pride and ego the size of Sheol (quoting a friend - I wonder how big that really is) being pushed to admit my own incapability is probably equivalent to any ancient Chinese torture - until it came to my dad's Hilux punctured wheel - I quickly tuck my sorry tail in between my legs and called for s.o.s.

It happened all of a sudden, with the steering wheel getting increasingly heavy. I suspected something was wrong, so I parked the car at the curb. Got down, and checked first the right hind wheel, the the left hind, then the left front, and I almost went, what happened? Until I almost tore my eyes looking at the front right tire was torn (with wire mesh sticking out of its laceration) and the spindle-looking gadget (whatever you call the thing that holds the wheel in place) was exposed and touching the floor!

Knowing nothing about automobiles (ouch, my pride) I quickly called for first my cousin (just in case he knows where the toolbox is kept) and then my driver from the office to come and save me! It took him about 15 minutes to fix the whole damn thing (just about the time needed to do an uncomplicated Caesarean Section). I didn't even know you need to poke a long pole to the 'behind'of the vehicle, give it a little turn and wholla, the spare tire came down hanging from underneath.

Ah, I am so getting a driver when I can afford one. That's why I must go back to work now, and make more money!

my saviour for the day, PKB Awang from Vector Unit

the day i remembered this poem for a friend...

If anyone would ask, "how would it feel like to decide on something that is totally unpopular, one that will surely put myself on the stake, one that will humiliate and make me turn down in shame, one that will not have any easy answers to, one that grant me scorn and creepy looks, one that will strip me off my circle of friends, one that will make me feel alienated and painfully lonely, one that will guarantee nights of swollen eyebags?"

I would answer, "friend, it is not just about the feeling of it, I went through it, and lived through it,.. it all began with a single decision, and though I knew of the consequences (and in fact still living through some of it) I could not imagine a life had that single decision not been done. Unpopularity? Hardship? Sometimes Life only ask for so much, but never our Dignity".

The Road Not Taken (Robert Frost)

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

the day i finished my first supervision outside kk

Two days and 11 health centers later, I completed my first outing outside Kota Kinabalu. I have been warned about the frequent traveling that will come my way in this job, but other than being tired there's little regret in coming up to the Headquarters.

Courses have been done every year, and this year we put in extra sessions to get our staff to familiarise with our programmes. Surprisingly I have to conclude that there is still a lot of supervision and follow up works to do before I can settle in confidence that my programmes are running well.

The high point of my day was having lunch at this place in Beaufort, where they have the fluffiest pau I've ever tasted in many years.

the day i attended my first international meeting

SosEk MalIndo - Sosial/Ekonomi Malaysia/Indonesia

The meeting chaired by Dr Chris

Last week I attended a health meeting in Sandakan, held between 2 governments, Malaysia (JKNS) and Indonesia (Health team of KALTIM or Kalimanan Timur). The two authorities of Health discussed issues of infectious diseases crossing the border and this time round, they focused mainly on zoonotic transmission of disease; such as rabies, avian flu and the likes.

Dr Navin, myself and Dr Koay

The Indonesians were just as fascinating as usual. I love to hear them speak among themselves, like plucked straight from the movies. One thing I learn from talking to them, is that, Bapak and Ibu is a usual reference they'd use to call anybody with respect, no matter you're really a Bapa, or an Ibu.

And the way they pronounce their alphabets, accordign to the sound it makes, not the name of the alphabet. Example, for HIV, we read as H - I - V, while they'd say Hah - E - Vi (pronounced HiFee). Now if you know medical jargons, it's full of abbreviations like that, and imagine trying to understand what they're talking about throughout the meeting.

But that was an interesting experience and I loved it.

the day i did my first supervision outside kk

Today was just another day at work, went over to Papar Health Office and its surrounding clinics to do my first official supervision outside KK. Now I know how it feels to be on the "other side"; the side that I usually see as the fault-finder, the side that will jot down everything unpleasant to be found about the ground facility in question, and the side that will come and tell all things to-do, as if the ground level doesn't know how to work.

Well, on this other side that I am at right now, I see that the ground level does get too defensive at times, even when they do not have to because some issues happen beyond their control, - and they still do become too defensive - , and sometimes people ask for things as if I'm from the charity board and am here to replace Santa to take their wish-lists.


Anyway, overall, today was good, though it left me so tired, I slept the whole early evening off.

Dear Theophilus

You may be disappointed to learn that there is no such thing as an easy and fool-proof way of discerning God's will. Every event and every decision we have to make in life is in fact a unique opportunity to show how much faith we have in Him, and can also be seen as an opportunity to be Holy.

Peter may have struck Gold when he answered correctly regarding Jesus' divinity, and being praised for having his intelligence coming from the Father isn't a tagline that Jesus carried around, but being told off for his sheer stupidity comparable to that of Satan was another matter all together, totally 180 degree from his first remark.

I think that Peter's remark regarding the way Jesus shouldn't die was an emotionally charged one. Of course when one that we love are said to face a certain hardship, our first emotional reaction for it would be to wish and hope that it wouldn't be true. Peter being perfectly human wasn't spared of such liability.

Therefore, Theophilus, be aware of your emotions clouding your Calling. People may say a hundred and one things of your current situation, but only you would have heard that initial Call. If that is so, persevere, and have courage. For if not, it is only to you God would have spoken otherwise. Be still, and listen. The peace that He promised isn't defined by absence of problems alone.

May the peace of Christ be with you always.

Listen now...

After such a long time of being dormant, I've almost gotten used to life that is not painted with vocabularies like leadership building, the sense of acceptance, the lost sheep, Kingdom building and all other jargons of same category. In fact, the past 6 months has been a period of extreme passivity in terms of God's Work, I have been away so long and so far, sometimes I have to admit being scared of the disconnection.

I will not blame anything I have gone through for the distance, for this is totally between God and myself, but somehow, I felt that I've never really left the ship. I sincerely hope so.

About 3 years ago I was challenged to perceive God in inactivity. Coming from a background that jump and shout in ecstacy in total immersion of God's presence, I first found it extremely hard to relate to the stillness of just being. Just being in the presence, knowing that even though it doesn't seem much (or doesn't seem like it at all) I should have the assurance of God's presence saturating every space, permeating every being and existence of this reality. Of course all this sounds better in writings than in real life.

The silence of God can be extremely daunting, to those unprepared it could completely dry them of their faith and reasonings. Yet the silence of God can also be a medoly, starting with a tune that builds up to be a symphony, if only one could, and if only would, learn to be still and listen. A symphony so beautiful that it sings of the fullness of life, Life and all that is in it. With every note and every pitch a reason for our being, with every climb and every drop a direction and a way enlightened.

Yet I still do not know how to still myself to listen to this melody.

I am looking for a way back to my call. I realised that doing nothing, will not do much to help me either. I shall start small, to build the foundation on which others will build the Kingdom. I may not be the best example around, but I know I have been given much. And I shall not keep much to myself.

Maybe I will finally learn to listen someday... but now I should learn to start planting again.


God of Silence, help me to look inward, guide my ways on this journey to my heart, and grant me the sweet grace of knowing your song of Life.

the day my dear friend got (officially) married

Oh Happy Day...

My dearest friend WeeSee... It may be well past your big big day by the time you read this, but I just want to wish you all the best on this most memorable day of your life (up to now, I am sure you will have much much more to come)

Words may fail me at times, and this may be one of those dreaded times, but I just want to tell you how happy I am that you're moving a step higher in Life's calling, and to have found the most right person to spend the rest of your life with is nothing short of a call for a grand celebration.

My dear friend, I may not be able to boast of others the way I could of you, simply to have known you during the most formative years of my life. I will always treasure the times we spent at our favourite bakery, the talk of life that we share, peeling and dicing and marinating philosophy the way only very few of us can do. I am glad that I had the previledge of your company, ears and compassion at the times when I hit the ground and took dirt to my face. You had been very understanding and accommodating even when I could not think of doing the same for myself. I will also boast of the times when you chose to share with me your moments of cheers, of tears and of fears.

Though time and fate would have us walking different directions, but I know I will not be who I am today had I not known you. I wish, my friend that one day, the future will have us drinking coffee discussing philosophy again, eating KFC and just going around for a ride (hopefully this time we'll spend less time puching the car or none at all)

Of course all that together with Annil, your soulmate and love of your life.

I wish and pray for the your blessed future together. Cheers...

METROBUS No 53

On my way home... I mean, MidValley MegaMall. Ever since I've come back from Uni days, I can count with my fingers the number of times I've gotten on a bus. This definitely brings back memories.

SO THIS IS LIFE ON THE MOVE...

I never imagined that life would be so much on the move after I transfer back to KK... though I have to say I somehow expected it - mostly from hear-say. I hardly can make proper appointments as new meeting schedules will spring up any time as they wish to, and the most frustrating part is to have to sometimes reschedule my own agendas... well, got o put bread on the table (or rather, got to pay for Starbucks and credit card)... not to say I am not enjoying all this...