My Own Happiness Project

My Own Happiness Project
because happiness begins inside and flows out...

20100508

midnight ramblings.......

  1. Been trying to sleep but horizontal position makes me sick in the stomach, so I guess I might relief the stuffiness if I just sit a while and type away, at least until I get sleepy.
  2. The truth is, I've overloaded myself again with midnight binging. The Smiley Old Man's got a new product out, and I couldn't get my mind off it. It's the new black pepper marinade, and freshly crushed black pepper sprinkle. I was not even hungry. I guess I was never really hungry at times like this, just felt like having something to munch on while keeping a watch on Rory's new adventure in Yale and Lor's being called back to help Chris with his baby Gigi.
  3. True to the symptoms listed in Wikipedia (this disorder is yet to be classified under ICD10 or International Classification of Diseases ver.10) I am feeling pretty crappy about having stuffed my face-hole with such unholy food at such unearthly hours.
  4. I saw on Oprah today about the movie that she co-produced, titled Precious. It is about a young black teenager finding her place in the world that conspires to make her stay as unpleasant as possible. She dropped out of school, got into troubles with every other bad influences she can get into, made pregnant by her own father -- twice, had to raise the kids herself, her mother was abusive, but what hit me deep was when her parent asked her to look at herself and tell her that nobody will ever like her -- because she was fat. Huge. Obese.
  5. I mean, I was never beaten, ridiculed, raped or anything like that, but I felt her -- when I look onto my own image in the glass and I think to myself "disgusting blubbery hosebeast".
  6. Pheww, self depreciating mode at its thickest now.
  7. I've heard a lot in my life. About why all those dieting and detoxing, and attempts at gyming never work. Because I never follow through and make them work. Because I am too lazy to finish off whatever I started. Because determination isn't my middle name.
  8. Growing up in a world that glorifies everything small, lean, slim, fit, and all that clearly describes only a mannequin isn't easy. I wish sometimes that I have the guts to poke myself in the throat, maybe that will make it easier, but I don't. I wish sometimes I'd be obsessed with working out and detest any kind of caloric intake, but I'm not. Sigh.
  9. Perhaps the wall that I've built up to prevent from getting hurt is working antagonistically with any slimming regiment I have ever tried. The wall that shields me from the size-concerned-disapproval of the society. The wall that tells me that it is okay to be bigGER, as long as I am comfortable in my own skin. The wall that tells me that none of those other opinion matters save mine.
  10. It would have been a very comforting wall, if I could ever just entertain my own opinion of myself and make that the only thing that matter, but whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I still think "disgusting blubbery hosebeast". Backfired.
  11. But I guess I have to take things slowly, a step at a time. If I can survive the last 3 decades, perhaps I can survive a few more.

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