I've been wanting to rant on this issue, but somehow it's always stuck in my mind as a cloud of thoughts that doesn't seem to settle. Perhaps starting to write about it would initiate the condensation process.
Previously I posted an entry about happiness together with a quiz on the same matter. I mentioned I was cornered by a good friend during dinner once, and he gave a statement I could not entirely deny on the spot. He said, he noticed that I seemed always depressed, and that is quoting his exact words. In usual circumstances where a sweeping statement is swept over to me like this, I would have retorted with full force, but somehow, I could not honestly do that at that time. Well, as I said before, perhaps, melancholic is a better terminology. It has more drama and life to it. Depression sounds very psychiatric, like ICD-10 (F32) or DSM-III material, heh.
Anyway, melancholics are naturally introspective, and have a tendency for depression, that's why I could not retort the statement. And thinking about it, there are things in my life that I'd like to have differently, physical attributes, for instance. And by wanting that, I think, would put myself more parallel to the normal society at large rather than not.
So what does happiness mean, actually? I know to post this question, is to expect more questions in return. Abraham Maslow believed that some people have a greater aptitude for happiness than others, and he identified 2 essential factors that define this aptitude, but I'm not going to go into that. This blog is about me!
Like Maslow, I also believe that happiness is achieved through a higher degree of self-actualisation. A very big word, this self-actualisation stuff. Many of us, if not almost all, strive to survive life and achieve happiness by fulfilling our basic needs for shelter, food, security and companionship. I, of course, belong to this category too. But Maslow says that on top of all these priorities, sitting on the pinnacle of the pyramid is self-actualisation. I can't say exactly I fully understand what self-actualisation means, nor does any single reading gave a truly satisfying understanding of it. However, Wikipedia (quoting a dictionary of psychology) explains that a person who is self-actualised, shows qualities of independence, autonomy, has a tendency to form few but deep friendships, having a "philosophical" sense of humor, has a tendency to resist outside pressures and having a general transcendence of the environment rather than simply "coping" with it. Am I there yet? Will I ever be?
Not yet. I believe this is my best answer.
So, I am 71% happy according to the questionnaire - that is supposed to be able to gauge how happy I am with Life. Well, I won't take it too seriously, what can the pre-calculated formulary tell me about my life based on a 10 questions quiz, anyway? But some of the questions are worth pondering, or to put it my style, brooding, upon.
In the last 30 years, I can proudly say that I have lived quite an eventful life. I may not think so come November, but generally, I think I've gathered enough stories to tell my grandkids without recycling too often! I believe that who I am today is an artwork - a collage of my experiences, bad and good. Changing anything about the past may not necessarily make me a better person, but there are definitely certain incidences in the past that I could do without. Something that happened, early in the third decade, that totally changed my views about life. Yet, at about the same time, I also belonged to a group of kindreds, going around the urban slumps of KL, pressing out more than our loose change, thinking that we were doing much contribution to humanity, rather actually being taught the lessons in life by the inhumanity we encountered.
The second question is hypothetical - if I were to have unlimited amount of money for plastic surgery - or rather cosmetic surgery, a better term - how much of my physical appearance would I change? I think this question is the one that pulls my graph down quite badly. Like many plus-sized individuals, I too struggle with negative body image, and I can say that much of my source of unhappiness is derived from this issue.
It may be quite embarrassing to admit this, that's why I chose very carefully who to open up to about this issue. In putting this down in writing, I am hoping to, at least, inch my way towards a better self-acceptance.
Narcisstics are people who totally adore and in love with themselves, usually depicted as someone having a relationship with a mirror. If ever there's such a term as anti-narcisstic, I am that. I actually don't like what I see in the mirror. I wish I am somebody else. I am uneasy with the image. Now, that sounds totally juvenile, but I am still waiting for the day when I will outgrow this, but that day hasn't come yet. Not till today, not till this moment as I am typing this. Facing this issue, I know I have a heavy matter in my court (pun intended). Comparing to other problems in my life, the body-image issue weights a lot (again, pun intended) and having it rooted in for such a long time now, there's a fat chance that it would stay on for a bit (pun still intended).
I try to do better with other aspects of life, and very fortunately, I have a career that I am totally satisfied with. I know not many people can say that they like their jobs. Many just go to work because. Just because. But me, I love what I am doing right now, and I am blessed to be given opportunities to develop myself through works that I enjoy - and getting paid doing it. Albeit not much, but I manage. I think I am most alive when I am in action, on a boat-ride doing my supervision visit, when chairing a decisive meeting to plan and manage community health; or even when I am doing remote-control management of my team back in the district, from as far as the other side of the state map - a bit like playing SIM or Command and Conquer!
I think, generally, I am doing okay. I am not that easily satisfied, but I compromise quite liberally. After all, the search for happiness could be a life-long process, and I was told that life begins at 30 - again this quote but I can't remember who said it to me. AKhoo, however, says that life doesn't start at 30, understanding does. And I like that - hoping to have more of those. Wisdom... mmm... sounds good.
On success, according to Albert Schweitzer, is not the key to happiness. Rather, happiness is the key to success. I like that too.
Previously I posted an entry about happiness together with a quiz on the same matter. I mentioned I was cornered by a good friend during dinner once, and he gave a statement I could not entirely deny on the spot. He said, he noticed that I seemed always depressed, and that is quoting his exact words. In usual circumstances where a sweeping statement is swept over to me like this, I would have retorted with full force, but somehow, I could not honestly do that at that time. Well, as I said before, perhaps, melancholic is a better terminology. It has more drama and life to it. Depression sounds very psychiatric, like ICD-10 (F32) or DSM-III material, heh.
Anyway, melancholics are naturally introspective, and have a tendency for depression, that's why I could not retort the statement. And thinking about it, there are things in my life that I'd like to have differently, physical attributes, for instance. And by wanting that, I think, would put myself more parallel to the normal society at large rather than not.
So what does happiness mean, actually? I know to post this question, is to expect more questions in return. Abraham Maslow believed that some people have a greater aptitude for happiness than others, and he identified 2 essential factors that define this aptitude, but I'm not going to go into that. This blog is about me!
Like Maslow, I also believe that happiness is achieved through a higher degree of self-actualisation. A very big word, this self-actualisation stuff. Many of us, if not almost all, strive to survive life and achieve happiness by fulfilling our basic needs for shelter, food, security and companionship. I, of course, belong to this category too. But Maslow says that on top of all these priorities, sitting on the pinnacle of the pyramid is self-actualisation. I can't say exactly I fully understand what self-actualisation means, nor does any single reading gave a truly satisfying understanding of it. However, Wikipedia (quoting a dictionary of psychology) explains that a person who is self-actualised, shows qualities of independence, autonomy, has a tendency to form few but deep friendships, having a "philosophical" sense of humor, has a tendency to resist outside pressures and having a general transcendence of the environment rather than simply "coping" with it. Am I there yet? Will I ever be?
Not yet. I believe this is my best answer.
So, I am 71% happy according to the questionnaire - that is supposed to be able to gauge how happy I am with Life. Well, I won't take it too seriously, what can the pre-calculated formulary tell me about my life based on a 10 questions quiz, anyway? But some of the questions are worth pondering, or to put it my style, brooding, upon.
In the last 30 years, I can proudly say that I have lived quite an eventful life. I may not think so come November, but generally, I think I've gathered enough stories to tell my grandkids without recycling too often! I believe that who I am today is an artwork - a collage of my experiences, bad and good. Changing anything about the past may not necessarily make me a better person, but there are definitely certain incidences in the past that I could do without. Something that happened, early in the third decade, that totally changed my views about life. Yet, at about the same time, I also belonged to a group of kindreds, going around the urban slumps of KL, pressing out more than our loose change, thinking that we were doing much contribution to humanity, rather actually being taught the lessons in life by the inhumanity we encountered.
The second question is hypothetical - if I were to have unlimited amount of money for plastic surgery - or rather cosmetic surgery, a better term - how much of my physical appearance would I change? I think this question is the one that pulls my graph down quite badly. Like many plus-sized individuals, I too struggle with negative body image, and I can say that much of my source of unhappiness is derived from this issue.
It may be quite embarrassing to admit this, that's why I chose very carefully who to open up to about this issue. In putting this down in writing, I am hoping to, at least, inch my way towards a better self-acceptance.
Narcisstics are people who totally adore and in love with themselves, usually depicted as someone having a relationship with a mirror. If ever there's such a term as anti-narcisstic, I am that. I actually don't like what I see in the mirror. I wish I am somebody else. I am uneasy with the image. Now, that sounds totally juvenile, but I am still waiting for the day when I will outgrow this, but that day hasn't come yet. Not till today, not till this moment as I am typing this. Facing this issue, I know I have a heavy matter in my court (pun intended). Comparing to other problems in my life, the body-image issue weights a lot (again, pun intended) and having it rooted in for such a long time now, there's a fat chance that it would stay on for a bit (pun still intended).
I try to do better with other aspects of life, and very fortunately, I have a career that I am totally satisfied with. I know not many people can say that they like their jobs. Many just go to work because. Just because. But me, I love what I am doing right now, and I am blessed to be given opportunities to develop myself through works that I enjoy - and getting paid doing it. Albeit not much, but I manage. I think I am most alive when I am in action, on a boat-ride doing my supervision visit, when chairing a decisive meeting to plan and manage community health; or even when I am doing remote-control management of my team back in the district, from as far as the other side of the state map - a bit like playing SIM or Command and Conquer!
I think, generally, I am doing okay. I am not that easily satisfied, but I compromise quite liberally. After all, the search for happiness could be a life-long process, and I was told that life begins at 30 - again this quote but I can't remember who said it to me. AKhoo, however, says that life doesn't start at 30, understanding does. And I like that - hoping to have more of those. Wisdom... mmm... sounds good.
On success, according to Albert Schweitzer, is not the key to happiness. Rather, happiness is the key to success. I like that too.
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