My Own Happiness Project

My Own Happiness Project
because happiness begins inside and flows out...

20080126

for the love of the country...

Since the Government started the National Service Programme in 2003, selected youths all across the country has been concentrated at a number of camps for a period of 3 months. They have to go through a number of modules that targeted development in specific areas including physical fitness, nation building, character building, community service and others. Last year, the Ministry of Health, together with the PM's Office devised another module to be incorporated into the programme... the HIV/AIDS Module for PLKN... and this is where I come into the picture.

The Module is supposed to be run at district level, but since one of the district were not prepared to run it in given time, I volunteered to sit in and see for myself one of these places, dreaded by SPM school leavers all over the country.

I suppose as a security reason, and also probably to avoid conscripts (or Wira & Wirawati as they're addressed in the Camps) from escaping, the camps are usually located in the remotest of places, and for this particular Camp I visited was about 8 km away from the main road passing through jungles and rivers.

As we reached the place, the car can go only as far as the river bank on the other side of the camp, and to go to the other side, we had to use a wobbly suspension bridge, and most definitely not the romantic type portrayed by the song Jambatan Tamparuli.


Posing for a good shot was quite a feat, as the bridge keeps on swinging, even if you try very hard to stay still.


And the greeting on the wall is the first thing we noticed once we entered the camp compound.



Thinking as an adult who did not have to go through this myself, I thought that the programme is actually fun, though I wouldn't like the idea of being confined away for 3 months of my life. The closest thing I had as a youngster tho this was a 4D3N Science Camp in Kundasang.

20080124

i like...

I can easily name a few other people who'd also like to sling this around, just because of the word on it...

You know who you are! ;-P

the one about my early education...


Evidence of my early education... my sister went through the junks that re-emerged during our yearly spring cleaning before Chinese New Year and found an English workbook that belonged to me when I was in Standard 6 (that was in 1991!) I got an A! And the date shows that it was my birthday also! What a lovely gift...


But this I don't really understand... for the essay I got Q.Good. What's a Q.Good? Quite Good? Quintessentially Good? Which teacher gives Q.Good as a remark?

EXISTENTIAL LONELINESS IS THE LONELINESS THAT EVERY HUMAN BEING EXPERIENCE, BECAUSE IT IS MEANT TO POINT THEM TO COMMUNION WITH GOD AS THEIR ULTIMATE DESIRE...

20080121

the dreaded phonecall...


After a full day trying to rest the killer-butterflies in my stomach, contemplating on the various better ways to die, other than being decapitated by my Director, the morning came when I had to face it...

The morning started normal, letters to open, queries to answer via fax, apparently only 2 person in my whole office read the article that was published yesterday. They were teasing me for being famous now, but that's the last thing I needed to hear actually. Like the calm before a storm, I hated waiting for the Director to call me in to see her.

The storm came finally at 9am, the Director's PA called me to tell that the Boss wants to see me. at that exact moment I saw my life, all the good times I had since childhood and the sweet memories in service, the nice people that I've met, the things undone in life, the people I still wanted to see, the things I still wanted to say, all flashed before me. Putting down the telephone I walked slowly back to my little cubicle, smiling blankly to my colleagues. If they were to remember me at all, remember my smiling face, I thought.

I have to go through a corridor from the lift to the Director's Office. I have been on this corridor many many times before but it never felt that long before yesterday. I guess that must be how those people who are sentenced to death must feel, walking that final stretch corridor before they're put to death.

The "talk" with the Boss was a humbling experience. Humbling because she didn't spare me by hiding her words with subtleties, she went on to remind me that I am a nobody to come out in the newspaper, doing press releases like that. Plus of course the fact that according to a circular in public service, a government servant is not allowed to talk to the press without a prior approval from the director. Okay for that, I am guilty as charged. Just that I've not seen Noves as a representative of the press, but a friend who got some info over coffee in Starbucks.

The Boss also reminds me that if I cannot, or rather "don't like" to follow the rules, I can always quit Govenrnmrent Service. Twice she made that point. And she also gave me the option of joining the private sector, emphasizing that in the private sector, I can say anything I want to the press.

As a whole, I am just glad to not have disclipinary action taken against me for an un-authorised press conference, while the whole day before I was worried sick that she was going to get me to verify some figures and Ministry policies that could have been a bigger scandal, but she overlooked those.

So, yeah, I learned my lesson in this, but at least Nove's happy that her maiden newspaper publication was out...

20080120

oh no, i might get screwed for this...

First and foremost, I'd like to thank Noves for wanting to do a write-up on our "night-work" and a little bit on the current situation of HIV infection in the state. It would do much to help create further awareness to the public about the disease and hopefully, will help reduce the sticky stigma that is placed on our little friend, the condom...

Now, a little bit about the article, due to some technological mismatch, the proof-read version of the story did not get through and there were some... hmm... somethings in there that I wouldn't exactly say it that way.

I have a notorious curse upon me, that I usually leave a place in pretty ugly conditions, like when I left for Lahad Datu, I just had a break-up at that time and I left the youth ministry with a sour taste in the mouth. And when I left Lahad Datu to come back to KK, things there were done halfway, projects were abandoned and some people were mad at me for leaving at such a short notice. Also an ugly sight.

And now, when I am about to be transferred down to the clinic, I have this article to explain to the Boss... not just the local boss perhaps, the National Big Shot is coming tomorrow and I may have to deal with him too.. sigh... a perfect sign to herald my unfortunate exit from AIDS Unit...

Sigh... oh me, why me...

the one about a wedding and sexual health...

Today I gave a talk to a bunch of adolescents from Jabatan Belia dan Sukan about HIV, AIDS and reproductive health. It's not that I've not done it before, this easily is becoming a second nature to me... Not sure if that will up my points in the stock-market (kasi naik saham)...

The day started early because my talk was sceduled at 8am and the office driver will come at 6am. Although it has been rainy for the past few days, the mountain decided to greet our coming with a fair whether... and it will only do justice for the mountain to post its picture in colour...

Can you believe some people live in places with this kind of background?

Came down in the afternoon, and pretty much slept the whole afternoon off after taking Actifed for my runny nose...


I have a friend, Ben who gets married today, and I'd really wish to attend his wedding in KL, but if it wasn't for the reshuffling, I'd be in KL now. He probably won't find his way to this blog, but I just want to wish him all the best in his new chapter of life. I'd really love to attend your wedding, Ben! Sorry I can't be there...

Otherwise, I am still caught in preparation for Dato' Hassan's visit next week (The Big Big Shot of Disease Control in Ministry of Health - and he's known for his merciless sarcasm)... I'm still holding on to the post, and still hoping that I don't have to come down to Clinic since I really love what I am doing right now...

work out? Hell yes, I'm working out...

20080116

the one about death and legacy, again...

It probably isn't the healthiest thing to do, but I've started this year with pretty morbid reflections, like how life is so short and all... Today at work I had yet another chance to think about how short life can be...

We organised a course for the local undertakers in handling of bodies with infectious diseases (which in this case, HIV) and we had a chance to do a short practical at the hospital morgue. We of course did not use a real HIV body (it is a policy to have as few people as possible in handling infectious cases) so we asked for a young fresh body.

The guy who post-humusly sacrificed his body for the benefit of others, was a 25 years old chap, apparently died of a congestive cardiac failure, with no known heart disease prior to his death. He is also an illegal immigrant, waiting to be deported back to his country, and so happened that he had to die while in detention.

Is his family waiting for him to come back? Does he have a family at all? Since his was one of the unclaimed bodies, there probably isn't much chance of him having a proper funeral. He may have people missing him, but none of his friends and families will know he's gone for good.

We know his name from the records, but what was he like when he was alive? What was his temperament? What was he good at? What is his favourite food? Did he like jazz? What is his legacy? Did he leave any?

Well, at least he contributed something today.

20080113

the one about my feeling right now...

I can't believe I am still upset about the issue of being transferred down to the clinic in the middle of my term in AIDS Unit... I have made plans for the year and not to mention the half-way discussions with various agencies on programmes and strategies for 2008... My whole weekend was ruined by the news... I think I am getting depressed...

the one about an almost typical sunday in my life...

1230am - finished journaling and zzzz.....


0645am - rise and shine...


0745am - On the way to Mass at St Paul's Chapel on the Hill, Kinarut


0756am - The journey takes 25 minutes on and old trunk road


0800am - arrive at St Paul's Chapel


0815am - waiting for Mass to start


0825am - stained glass. Still waiting for mass to start


0825am - the quiet moment, preparing for mass (still waiting)


0850am - Br Mark giving an off-pulpit sermon


1005am - heading home


1020 - stopping by at CKS to get Coke for Mom


1047am - home and breakfast


1230pm - watching tv


0230pm - reading magazine while waiting for an appointment later


0340pm - meeting up with KC to design a result card for clinic use


0342 - lunch: chicken peach salad and tiramisu ice blended @ CBTL


0702pm - chicken herbal soup, pork in soy sauce and vege for dinner


0720pm - searching a Dusun song and blogging


0850pm - out to get the Dusun CD


0925pm - couldn't get the CD but spent RM23.90 on a karaoke of the same artist


My day has not ended by the time I posted this blog, but I don't think I'll be doing much later... shower, more reading and perhaps sleep early...

the one song that's been haunting my mind today...

Sometimes that can be irritating but I kinda like this song... the tune is so disturbing, I actually went out to get the CD to sing along (couldn't download from the net) and did some homework on the meaning of the song... getting in touch with my keDusunan bah...

KOSOROU KOPO NANGKU DOHO
Jestie Alexius

this is the singer of the song, pic taken apparently circa end of May-early June

Id tanga tuong
Okito ku tulan rombituon
Kopurimanan ku osongulunan oku
Do inggino ko koupusan

Intanganku posorili
Anawau binabang tulan
Kinotu ku iso tusak bunga
Ii minungkalad tanga tuong

Lumangad oku dika
Langadon oku miampai dika
Osorou ku sinuau nu, oh koupusan

Koginawaan ku dika
Batos ku dika oi koupusan
Kosorou kopo nangku doho
Lumangad oku dika...

Note: All artistic sentiments were lost during translation... sorry...
it IS a nice, romantic song, really...


In the middle of the night
Looking at the moon and the stars
Realizing that I am alone
My love, you're not here

I look around
The brightness of moonlight
I pick a flower
Blooming in the night

I miss you
I long to be with you
I remember our times together
Oh my love

My love for you
My promise to you, my love
Do you still remember me
I miss you

20080112

the one about truth, dreams and lies...

As Sheena super-dramatically puts it...

****************************

I've seen this tag going around, and since nobody bothered to tag me on, I'll just tag myselflah... Not that anybody reads my gloomy monotonous monochromatic blog anyway...

So how this thing works, bold if the statement is true, italics if I WISH it is true, and leave it as-it-is if it isn't. Okay. And add some witty remarks at the end of some "remarkable" statements. Okay.

****************************

I miss somebody right now. I'm missing many people right now...
I do not watch tv these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses. Not or, and. Of course not both at the same time.
I love to play video games.
I have tried marijuana.
I have been in a threesome.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I have changed mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I curse. Man, do I curse... , the p***** and the f******** type. Not the hocus-pocus type.
I'm totally smart.
I've broken someone's bones. Never do CPR on a bed without a backing board, especially if you're my size...
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi. and sashimi...
I talk really, really fast. In Sabahan bahasa pasar, yes, really fast...
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling. Three younger others, actually...
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. Not quite, but I've put on fake boobs in my saree, parading down Bangsar for a dinner-party with the theme "don't come as yourself"...
I couldn't survive without Caller ID. I don't care much for the caller ID but a handphone with sufficient credit and reception is essential.
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends
. Acquaintances yes, plenty...
I am currently single. And ready to mingle...
I have pecked someone of the same sex. Like a bird pecking on its food, or on the cheek as in a smooch? I can't resist pecking on babies...
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother. Katulahan nanti...
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
. Drunk, yes, but passed out, no.
I've rejected someone before.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before. Hey, I teach this stuff in the maternity clinic...
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I'm shy around members of the opposite sex.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past. Believe me, big mistake!
I have tried alcohol before.
I own the South Park movie.
I would die for my best friend
. Let's see the cause before we do that...
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. Don't fancy Pizzas, but I think Little Italy in KK makes the best Pizza...
I have used my sexuality to advance my career. More like, I wish I could...
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. Not in Malaysia. But the costume party is pretty cool.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. Love it.
I am happy at this moment.
I'm obsessed with girls.
I'm obsessed with boys.
"Obsession" has a very specific medical definition to it...
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met. I tie my lace-up shoes ONCE after I got them, loose enough so that I can just slip them on for the rest of its useful lifetime.
I study for tests most of the time.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced. I have only my left ear pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can. Anyone who bolds this should read about helminths...
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.

Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules
. No, COFFEE rules...
I went college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours
. I only put on dark earthy colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing. Meaning, this questionnaire?
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake's slither. Oh yucks!
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep. I snore...
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions. Oh the typical Roddy thing...
I have jazz in my blood. But its kinda ressessive, because I know I have it somewhere but it doesn't come out phenotypically as the ability to play Jazz...
Climbing trees is a brilliant pastime. Any Sabahan who bolds this one is asking for it...
I wear a toe ring.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with. Make it at LEAST five... and that's counting in a small office...
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I'm an artist. In my own rights...
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex. I like many people, same sex or otherwise...
I am an adrenaline junkie.
I love being happy.


20080111

the one about the fleeting nature of life...

It was too soon after I've said about being pushed around in this rat-eat-rat world that I received another shock this morning to know that my days in HIV unit were ending, actually ended, since the memo of transfer is due to come out next Monday... I was of course flabbergasted, not much to say but to curse the fate I am faced with...

I love my job and am proud to stand among the few that can say the same... but what can I do when I become the victim of the system.

This reminds me of the fleeting nature of life itself. The wisdom that I can take home (or wherever they're sending me next) is probably to realise that everything in life is temporary... One day it is here, and the next, it is not (like my job)...

So since I am still here today, what can I do to make the most out of it?

*sigh...*

20080110

the one about taking a step at a time...

Being pushed around in this result-orientated world, sometime we forget that success usually starts with a small step, not leaps... and babies know better when it comes to taking little steps at a time...











Aaawwwww... I love babies....

20080106

the one about love and pain...

It has been exactly a year today, since I was single again. There has not been much discussion about the issue, as I find people are still playing tactful when we're about to touch on this particular topic...

Throughout this time of solitarity, I have never once looked back in regret over the dicision I have made. I do not mean that I am so ever glad to be out of the relationship, being attached does bring about certain comfort and confidence, that no matter how badly life drags you along its rocky path, you'll always have someone to be there for you, even though it may not necessarily mean physically.

But what I do feel bad about, is that many of the time when the pain struck I was left to confront my dark nights alone. A friend described the same feeling while experiencing an almost similar issue, of which I think puts my thoughts exactly into words: It was alomost like I was naked, but no friends came to clothe me, I was thirsty and no friends offered a drink, I was hungry and no friends offered a bite, I was alone and no friends came to sit by me.

Of course I cannot generalise like this, as this was also the time when I was able to separate gems and glass...

I was hoping only to gain wisdom in exchange of all that I had to go through. As Gibran said about pain, that it is the breaking of the shell that encloses our understanding, even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must we know pain. If we could you keep our hearts in wonder at the daily miracles of our life, our pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy.

And in finding the meaning of love, he said that love has no desire, other than to fulfill itself. Even if we must have desires, let our desires be to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night, to know the pain of too much tenderness. Let us desire to be wounded by our own understanding of love; and of it, to bleed willingly and joyfully.

As for me at this point of time, I will let love to direct my course as it finds worthy of me, and hopefully I will find the secrets of my heart, and in that knowledge, become a fragment of Life's heart...

20080105

the one about my Boss, a great honest man...

Honesty doesn't have a place in our world anymore today...

Dato' Sri Dr. Chua Soi Lek

Many of my friends asked me this question, "Hey, what happened to your Boss, ah?" In my opinion, he screwed up, yes he did, but who doesn't? The fact that he admits to it instantly, makes him a great man with balls. Although what he did cannot be accepted as morally right in any way, but he has shown us the value of honesty and humility. How come people don't notice that?

the one about making resolution in different light...

Have you put up your new year's resolutions? What would they be? How determined are you to achieve them?

The thoughts came in a different dimention and importance yesterday as spoke to 2 person who'd have to have to make their new year's resolutions in a different light.

Yesterday our night clinic resumed after a few weeks break from end-year busy-spell. We got about 16 sex workers to walk in for their STD check-up, and 2 of them were reactive to HIV rapid test.

The first was a FSW who has been in the business for about 5 years, and has got a friend who died from AIDS. She was keeping very quiet when I broke the news to her, I think little did she expect the result to be so. She was keeping quite composed throughout the counseling session, until when she was about to leave, then she broke down and I had to ask a colleague to usher her into another room to talk some more.

The second was not a sex worker, but a boy who has been quite naughty, and he heard of our STD clinic by word of mouth on the street. I first treated his GC and chatting about his ex wife and 5 years old son that he has not seen for a bit while waiting for his result, when it came back also as reactive for HIV. He gave the same classical "shocked" look as the lady earlier, and also was lost for words.

I asked them about their plans, but how can anyone think of anything after such a life-sentence?

Given the same situation, how would you do your resolutions?

20080102

the one about purpose...

Given the year-long absence from Church, I find it quite difficult to go back to reading spiritual materials, especially if the author writes in a manner that makes every reader (meaning: me) feel like a lower-than-dirt-level, good-for-nothing, spot-reserved-in-hell kind of sinner and he's going to write me a solution to Salvation.

Such is my problem with pride...

I came across Rick Warren in one of his books saying that the purpose my life is greater than my own personal fulfillment, than my peace of mind, or even my happiness. My purpose in life is far greater than my family, my career, or even my wildest dreams and ambitions.

I had to reread the paragraph and see if there was any punctuation play, or any words that I missed, because I don't exactly know what to do with such statements.

I have pondered on this issue before, when we talk about our reason or the meaning of existence, is there any other way to describe it other than to talk on purpose... and if Warren says (and if G means it so too) that the meaning of existence is none of the above-mentioned, what then?

Thinking back of what is my purpose in life, or maybe the direction I am heading, there was a time when I was thinking only about the Restoration of the Church, like St Francis of Asisi's calling. Having that gave much direction in my life in general, until my long vacation away to the desert of dark nights, that is. I don't even know if G still wants me to do these things. I long for the days when everything was clear, and I know what exactly to read on, and I know what to talk about, and I can plan up who to meet and what to do, because I was in the Restoration business. Well, that was really a while back and I need to talk to G about these things again.

Sometimes we are too hung up in trying to see the bigger picture of our Purpose in Life, when what we were meant to fulfill with our being is over looked in the moment-to-moment God-incidences. The details, as G planned out, could be for us to just be around, to give someone a pat on the back, to offer a lift, to say something uplifting on the phone, to lovingly point out a mistake, to remember that verse when someone's at the end of his wit just trying to recall where it came from...

20080101

the one about just another New Year...

Another year has come and gone, and generally we do make a big fuss over it. Relatively, time and space is a continuum, and there isn't any real break in between, hence, there's not much point to make such a big deal out of it. To the general population, any reason to drink one's self silly and party is a good reason to celebrate. Anyway, to avoid starting the year in such a pessimistic tone...

Happy New Year 2008!...

New year is a time to re-do the halfway done resolutions from last year, and going down the list I've put up for 2007, I've only managed to complete 33.33% of what I wanted to do. I have two plants on my office table, I attended a Jazz concert, took a walk in the rain in HK, watched sunrise with friends (with Carlsberg as early breakfast) and did more than 50 blog entries, even if I take away song lyrics and poems.

What I really wanted to do and not have a chance to achieve was to get a tattoo. Reaching BMI 28 is realistically unrealistic. But hey, at least I've joined the gym!

To start off I've decided that the new year resolutions shouldn't be as shallow as what I've put up last year, but rather more philosophically. Like first and foremost, improve.

During the season of brooding over my life's legacy (usually November) I've come to realise that most of what I have done in the past were not built on rocks but rather sand. It's rather ego-crashing to admit that many of the things I've started did not sustain. There was the CG in Lahad Datu, the Youth Ministry of StGabriel Chapel that also went down after I let go, the Peanut Butter Project got abandoned after I left, and of course a broken engagement to put into account.

I can't say that 2007 has been the greatest but it sure did pack in most of Life's Lessons. There are many things that I wish that I could have done better, but Life is a Pilgrimage, with every moment a Homage to the Creator, those that look back with regret do not deserve the rest of the Journey ahead.

20071111

the one song that tells about my life so perfectly...

So here I am
Doing everything I can
Holding onto what I am
Pretendin' I'm a superman
I'm tryin' to keep
The ground on my feet
It seems the world's
Fallin' down around me
The nights are all long
I'm singin' this song
To try and make the answers
More than maybe

And I'm so confused
About what to do
Sometimes I want
To throw it all away

So here I am
Growin' older all the time
Lookin' older all the time
Feelin' younger in my mind
And here I am
Doing everything I can
Holdin' onto what I am
Pretendin' I'm a superman

I'm tryin' to sleep
I lost count of sheep
My mind is racin' faster every minute
What could I do more
Yeah I'm really not sure
I know I'm runnin' circles
But I can't quit

And I'm so confused
About what to do
Sometimes I want to
Throw it all away

Controllin' everything in site
I'm feelin' weak
I don't feel right
You're tellin' me
I have to change
Tellin' me to act my age
But if all that I can do
Is just sit and watch time go
Then I'll have to say good bye
Life's too short to watch it fly
Watch it fly

So here I am
Growin' older all the time
Lookin' older all the time
Feeling younger in my mind
And here I am
Doin' everything I can
Holdin' onto what I am
Pretendin' I'm a Superman

20071110

the one about being an eligible bachelor...

I was going through my sister's piles of old magazines when one caught my attention as the selected reading while I take a dump (a bad habit really difficult to shake off). It says on the front cover "Babelicious Bachelors!", though I may come quite far from being one of them, but judging on their responses to the standard questions posed, I think I can answer some of them better.

If I were to join, my column would be like this...

ARTEo
Medical Officer, 28


Describe yourself in 5 words I am who I am... A woman is most beautiful when she carries her family on one shoulder and her career on the other... one who knows what she wants... The nicest thing a woman's ever said to me is anything that starts with "can I tell you the truth..." How would you describe your style? You'll seldom find me spotting a necktie... I ma more of a polo and jeans person, and half of my wardrobe is from Giordano. I also wear a red ribbon to promote awareness on AIDS... I know she's special when she accepts my inadequacies and appreciates my extras (including extra bodyweight)... What scares you? Lizards and flying cockroaches... What were you teased about as a child? Apart from my weight, people call me Roti and Teh-O... Go figure... Men makes the worst nuns... If I could trade place with a man for a day, I'd pick the Pope... Describe your date from hell pointy face, horns, glossy red skin and carries a hay-fork... other than that, anyone who cannot carry a decent conversation beyond the first few minutes... A wife beater has no balls... What is an antimacassar? The piece of thick tissue found on headrest of airplane chairs... I'm currently listening to jazz... It's always jazz...

the time i should start looking back at the year that was...

About almost the same time last year I underwent a serious discernment that would change my life and my surrounding in quite a major way. It didn't exactly start then (as I have been evaluating and re-evaluating the thoughts many many many times before) but one show got it going... I was watching Ed, and in that particular episode, he asked himself what is his legacy... what would he be leaving behind once he is dead and gone...

Well my thoughts were not as morbid as his, but I started considering a lot of my own feelings and emotions and all those things a busy man should have no time to think about... (and yep, I plunged myself deeper into work as a result of some decision I made, and yet work can only provide so much short-term reliefs from the pain I went through)

The year that was has shown many things in life that I am not sure I was ever ready to see, but still, as one would say that everything happens for a purpose, it left me many opportunities to reason out every strands of experience that made me the person I am today.

Yet I would not exchange the world for any of those that I went thorugh.

20071109

the one about pleasure by kahlil gibran

Pleasure is a freedom-song, But it is not freedom.
It is the blossoming of your desires,
But it is not their fruit.
It is a depth calling unto a height, But it is not the deep nor the high. It is the caged taking wing,
But it is not space encompassed.
Ay, in very truth, pleasure is a freedomsong.
And I fain would have you sing it with fullness of heart; yet I would not have you lose your hearts in the singing.

Some of your youth seek pleasure as if it were all, and they are judged and rebuked.
I would not judge nor rebuke them. I would have them seek.
For they shall find pleasure, but not her alone;
Seven are her sisters, and the least of them is more beautiful than pleasure.
Have you not heard of the man who was digging in the earth for roots and found a treasure?

And some of your elders remember pleasures with regret like wrongs committed in drunkenness.
But regret is the beclouding of the mind and not its chastisement.
They should remember their pleasures with gratitude, as they would the harvest of a summer.
Yet if it comforts them to regret, let them be comforted.

And there are among you those who are neither young to seek nor old to remember;
And in their fear of seeking and remembering they shun all pleasures, lest they neglect the spirit or offend against it.
But even in their foregoing is their pleasure.
And thus they too find a treasure though they dig for roots with quivering hands.
But tell me, who is he that can offend the spirit?
Shall the nightingale offend the stillness of the night, or the firefly the stars?
And shall your flame or your smoke burden the wind?
Think you the spirit is a still pool which you can trouble with a staff?

Oftentimes in denying yourself pleasure you do but store the desire in the recesses of your being.
Who knows but that which seems omitted today, waits for tomorrow?
Even your body knows its heritage and its rightful need and will not be deceived.
And your body is the harp of your soul,
And it is yours to bring forth sweet music from it or confused sounds.

And now you ask in your heart, "How shall we distinguish that which is good in pleasure from that which is not good?"
Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,
But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.
For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life,
And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love,
And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.

People of Orphalese, be in your pleasures like the flowers and the bees.

20071028

the day i went to try out a gym...

The year is setting, but might still have a chance at the BMI modification plan...

i didn't manage to capture a shot at the gym, but the rest of the facility is great

I went over to a resort health club to check out the facilities today. The fees could be a tad hefty but the philosophy goes, that if it is something I paid for, it will serve as a motivation to keep going, as opposed to it being free...

that's my gym shoes down there

Let's see how long my kiasuness can keep me on the treadmill...

20071021

the day i watched sunrise...

date achieved: 21 October 2007


it won't do much justice to nature if this pic is in b&w...

Taken just a few minutes apart, it is quite impossible to capture that glorious magnificence of sunrise in black and white. Though this isn't the first sunrise I've seen in this year, but more often than not I lack the luxury of my camera being with me...

20071015

the one about my acummulating stress... and the time i got more new books and gadgets..

Stress at work is piling up as more reports are to be written and the end of Ramadhan means a lot of catch up courses and meetings to do... seemingly no amount of coffee and jazz can pin my nerves down on this, been having sleepless nights and drowsy days for the past few weeks to juggle work and work and... work.

On many occasions I was reprimanded for my mistakes, most of it deservingly, and all of it makes me want to do better the next time. I just wonder how many "next times" are there for me to spend before I exhaust it all.

Still I manage to steal little pleasures on little escape trips to the bookshop and to get a sip of my usual from the comforting paper cup.

my treasures on the table adding up to about RM2000 worth of compulsive buying

What's new, a big book by Jamie Oliver, a new one by Ben Okri called Starbook, one about dieting , a brand new Sony NW 860, a brand new Sony Ericson W660i, and my usual venti caffe mocha to go with whip..

Over-doing it? I think so too... but what is the price of sanity?