arteo steps into the church... again... finally....

bad hair day... TGIGF -- thank god its good friday

1. This note is very hard for me to write, but keeping it inside seems like hosting a lump of sand midway down the oesophagus. Not very nice.
2. I got my arms twisted to go to Good Friday service today. This year marks the 13th year since I was baptised at SFX, after about a year of searching and comparing the various churches that I want to get baptised in. Life was good then and I was very attracted to the richness of the culture, tradition and liturgy found in the church. 
3. Somewhere approaching the 7th year, I started reading on the dark night of the soul and coupled with some crisis / distraction at that time, I began distancing myself and more and more unanswered questions started accumulating. After a period long enough looking from afar, being an "out-standing" member of the church, the unanswered questions became doubts and it was harder to reconcile.
4. I've made really good friends, even soul-mates through the church. I have to say, that my greatest worry would be losing these friends. People who helped shaped the Arteo that he is today. Seriously, more than anything else, this is my greatest fear.
5. One of the attraction or reason why coming to SFX has been quite fulfilling was due to the quality of sermon that was given by its previous priests, so even though my spirit can be as dry as the industrial thinner (okay, that was lame), listening to good sermon always quenches a certain thirst for spiritual truth, or moral ethics of good living at the very least. Even though the church warns against attachment to the persons, and instead focus on Christ, but one cannot help but be a little bit disappointed when the sermon is presented rather poorly.
6. All that said, he did raise a thought in my mind, through his question: can there be love without sacrifice? Actually I was thinking: can there be sacrifice without love? If giving does not cause pain, can it be considered sacrificial giving? I remember quite a while ago, getting emotional on the pew when I was asking to be be shown what it means to love, and of all the kind of love that one is capable of, I wanted to know what it means to Love myself, the person that I am: physically, internally. And if the love that I know is not true love, what is Love then?
7. But I guess that is a topic to ponder on another day. Meanwhile, Happy Easter, everybody.