My Own Happiness Project

My Own Happiness Project
because happiness begins inside and flows out...

20110723

no eye candy.........


If I see an obese person outside I look at them in disgust. I hate it when I see them eating at buffets, pigging out, and at fast food restaurants. I especially hate it when I’m at Wal-Mart and I see some fat lady riding around in one of those automatic wheeler cart thingies. JUST GET UP AND WALK! I know, I know. This seems insensitive. I’m fat so I know what it feels like to be in public and be stared at. Or not even being stared at but feeling like everyone is looking at you because deep inside you hate the fact that you are fat and can’t or haven’t been able to control yourself.

But while I have been fat, I have been disciplined as well. I know I can attain my goals if I stick to the plan. So I use that as a way to separate myself from other fat people, in my mind at least. In my head, I am not the same as them. I am different. Better. But that’s where it gets kind of crazy because I AM fat. I have used the same excuses they have. Done a lot of the same things they have. Eaten a lot like they have. Worn over sized clothes like they have. You get the point.

I’m fat, have been for most of my life....
Quoting Israel Lagares in his blog.

Suddenly the little pebble of dysmorphia that has been snowballing throughout this week came crashing like a boulder.

I am just wondering... I usually get in the mood to shape up only when I have enough self-hatred to fuel the weigh loss motivation, and even after hating the mirror image for almost all my post-puberty life, I've not been able to keep it off. How much more do I have to hate myself to make it work? I do wonder.

A friend just reminded me about the 'buying a new pants you want to get in' trick to keep up the weight loss motivation. Maybe I should go shopping for smaller pants tomorrow.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Then I guess you need to avoid buffet and fast food, too.